Hip and back pain, back in Dr. Freeman’s pain clinic today at Mayo. I love my doctor, he is a good man, they all are. Walking into the hospital gave me uncomfortable feelings of remembrance, being in pain for me has become an issue I…
My hair has been falling out in chunks, more and more everyday. I made the decision to call Jenny
Boyton, she or her sister have been styling my hair for over 15 years. Kara Ellingson, Jenny’s sister cut my hair the 1st time, while I was going through chemo treatment. It was a tearful difficult thing to do.
Today there were no tears, I’m grateful for the knowledge I have that my hair does not define who I am, where I am going and who I want to be.
And what about those dang scars, well they each have a story, and with those scars they give me a constant reminder of the road I have traveled, I’m moving forward. I wish I could get my smile back, and maybe I will, Dr. Haberkamp said possibly 30% which is much better than 0%. Miracles happen everyday, and with a positive mental attitude, continuing to tell my lip to smile, or my eyebrow to move everyday it’ll happen. I told that today to a random person who was asking me about my scar, her response was “I’m sorry dear, but I work with doctors all the time and if your doctor told you 30% improvement he was not wanting to hurt your feelings” I felt like saying “You mean he didn’t want to hurt me like you just did?” Instead I handed her one of my Live Happy Magazines and said good-bye.
Taking chances and staying strong and positive is what get me through days and helps me to embrace that day as one day closer to healing and not necessarily a physical healing, but I’m talking more about an inner healing of my soul and being happy with who I am. I will endure 3 more surgeries within the year–something that most of you who read my blog know I said I will never do again. Each time, I think “what if it does work this time, what example am I being to my children and grandchildren if I just give up? It’s like giving up on them” Tonight I snuggled with Recker on my bed, every once in a while he would want to take a look at my scars on my ear, neck and head but the ones he loves to stare at are the ones on my ankle where they took the nerves to replace the dead one in my face. I love to watch him when he does this, I always wonder what is he thinking?
I’ve learned that the life I had planned for myself may not be exactly what I expected, but I feel blessed that I have learned from this journey. There have been times when I didn’t want to get up and go, I had so much pain and fear of taking those steps forward. I have sleepless nights, where I pray He will just take it all away, but He never does. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m a hard head and need to learn even more, or I haven’t been listening, I mean listening with my heart not my ears….although sometimes that happens too. ha ha
So my smile is crooked and may never heal much more than it has…..let’s just say that is true…..I am still extremely blessed with a happy life, a life that sometimes I don’t understand but I would not change it for one dang minute. My love for my family, for friends old and new have brought me finally to a place where I believe in myself, I believe in my self worth, I will not fall, or fail in a world that is so weak at times, I feel like I have to be strong. We are living in a world with so many people who
“will not, or say I can’t” and what I mean by that is that they don’t take chances, they never stand up for what they believe in, they give up when things get tough. (I call them the followers) but if I can find those who want to stand up in this world of weakness, I will not change my values or attitude, chin up–Surrounding myself with those same types of people together we can make incredible changes in the world–it can be done. I am one of those people who has a responsibility to help others realize their potential for happiness, no matter what the circumstances. This does not mean I will not have days when I am sad, or down, those are natural feelings we all have them. If you have never experienced pain, how do you know what it feels like to be truly happy?
I have mentally prepared myself for what is to come, the doctors have fully explained it all to me and made sure I understood, and I do. None of this has to do with living a happy life, I take the opportunities everyday to spend alone time, read from good positive books, then I go out and put it to action. I was so upset in the beginning, but have learned like I’ve said before, everything happens for a reason, and anything I have ever started has been hard in the beginning with each passing day I learn to listen with my heart, take the hard days allow myself to cry because I know that pain is so deep it will not be going away in one day. I have learned how to deal with those days….during those stormy days, that’s when it happens, when you least expect it, when you feel like it is never going to end, but then the clouds part, and the rainbows appear. I know when that happens it’s OK because He has arrived to take it all away, His love slips through the darkness and I grab on hard to it as I walk with Him into the light, and realize tomorrow is a new day…..you are never a failure, I know for me I just have to remember I do have infinite worth, and start over the next day. Touch those scars, and remember where I’ve been and the legacy I’m trying to leave for my posterity.
Mun 3, 2010 Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was just to check and make sure my skin was healing properly and to…
March 3, 2010
Chronic neuropathic pain affects about 20% of woman who have breast cancer, and used TAXOL as chemo treatment. Guess who has it? It has been really difficult for me to sit down and blog, because my fingers are numb sometimes… from the neuropathy, and my legs, feet and back are in constant pain. I called the doctor today about it, I was advised that chronic neuropathy in breast cancer patients does not go away. However, I talked to someone who had it and she told me hers eventually went away. I am hopeful that the Lord will bless me just one more time and allow the pain to leave my body.
Many people have asked me how it feels, it is difficult to explain, my bones and muscles just ache 24/7. When it hurts the worst I cannot even walk without the pain penetrating my mind, body and soul. There has been so many times that I have been in a fetal position on my bed crying because of the pain, Eric rubs my legs, but the truth is I am not supposed to get my legs or back massaged because it can cause blood clots. Even when he rubs my legs it is only temporary relief, as soon as he stops, the pain begins so I guess that is not a solution either. I have been given pain medicine, they are narcotics and they do take the pain away however, I know I cannot be on those for the rest of my life. I try the natural oils and some other options but that does not help either. It truly is the worse pain I have had to endure on a long term basis, it is hard to deal with when I know it is not going away any time soon, I would love if the doctor would say “OK allow it a couple of weeks after chemo, then it will leave”. I asked the doctor if I would be able to run again or exercise again, she said “most people are OK with just walking a little everyday” Well I wanted to say ” I am not most people lady, so just watch what I can do.”
I will run again someday, I will cycle again someday and I will do all the cardio and lifting weights again, this is just temporary and this pain just helps to remind me of how hard I need to still fight to get my body healthy again and be the athlete again that I was. It would be easy to give up and say that I will never be able to do those things again, but I will I know I will.
Mayo Clinic Cancer Center: https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/mayo-clinic-cancer-center
December 26, 2009
So many people have asked me about my parents and childhood, WOW any of you who know me really well know that is a subject I try to steer away from. Not because of any other reason but that I do not have a ton of good memories growing up and I don’t like to dwell on it. I have decided because of my posterity I will try to explain the best I can the situation, as it stands today. I would first like to say that I prayed long and hard about whether I should post much about this, and the answers came very strong a couple of weeks ago so what I write is coming from the spirit and will take me awhile to communicate in writing as I do not want to hurt anyone involved. With that being said this is my life, and I am hoping from this post, because the spirit was strong telling me to do it that I will helping someone.
I was born in Phoenix, when I was in 2ND grade I told me teacher I was born behind the pancake house, puzzled about that answer she asked my mother and was told that she always told me that because I was born in the Baptist Hospital in Phoenix and there was a International House of Pancakes behind the hospital. My mom was very young when she married my father, they were high school sweethearts. It was during the 1960’s and there were a lot of drugs, my father tried them all, my mother was very naive, she was happy just to be a mother and did not know much of what he was doing (as far as the drugs) One night while she was at work he was either very drunk or high and he hit me, my mom came home to a baby in tears holding my right ear, there was blood so she took me to the hospital, I had a broken eardrum. She had 3 daughters Sonya was about 5, I was 3 and Kristin was only 6 months when she left him that night. I am sure it must of been a hard thing to walk away and I am not sure where she went. My fathers mom (grandma Belshe) had 9 children and he was the oldest son, they introduced my mom to the gospel and because of them she was baptized into the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as a teenager. Her testimony grew over the years and I was grateful for her example as mother and that she took us to church so that we could decide for ourselves if we wanted to join also, I was baptized at age 10.
Over the years I did not see my father much, I remember the last time I saw him he came to my grandma Belshe’s to see us I think I was about 7, he had big hands and I remember thinking I had never seen anyone as large as he was, I felt safe around him and loved that he called me Bonbon I think the family called me that because of my white head of hair. When we left my Grandmas house that day I did not see him again until I think I was 18 or 19. He made some bad choices and was sent to Prison, but I was never told where he was so as a child I felt abandoned by him. When I became a teenager I simply was angry at him and did not want to know anything about him, I was mad that he was not there to protect me from what was happening to me.
Mom married a Baptist minister when I was really young, they had a son together his name was Lance, my dad adopted my sisters and I and we took on his last name Heath. I felt like we did not have a choice, my loyalty was now to him since he was my mothers husband and I just wanted her to be happy. Over the years he was always respectful and kind to my mom, but to the children he was controlling and not a nice person to be around. Far beyond just not being a nice person he abused us, physically, emotionally, and sexually. Without going into any details in my teenage years I became extremely bitter and angry at the world. I decided when I was about 14 that I knew I was sent hear to earth as a child of great worth, pure and holy, and that I would do all that I could do to see what Heaven saw in me, I began to read the book of Mormon, and kneeling by my bed every night I would ask Heavenly Father to help me understand my worth, help me find some truth in my life. After many months of begging and pleading with the Lord, just when I was at the end of my strength and hope ,he magnified to me in a very spiritual way that for one the book of Mormon was true, 2ND that I was being tested and that if I was able to anchor myself to the truth and be obedient HE would get me out , I knew he understood every tear that fell from my eyes that night and It was that very moment that I knew HE Lives and Loves me, without a doubt in my mind I continued on choosing the right, knowing that because my father was making bad choices in his life, Heavenly Father was full aware of me and that HE would bless me someday. (by the way I had mentioned at the beginning my stepfather was a minister, he later took the missionary lessons and was baptized in the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints) I continued to serve in every calling I was offered, I attended church every week and lived what I believed to be true, I was an example to my friends by never drinking, trying drugs and kept myself morally clean. I knew if I continued to follow this path that Heavenly Father and his angels looked down on me and knew the truth, they understood more of who I was than I did, continuing on this path every promise God had given me would come true, I knew it I believed it. The abuse did not go away, but all I knew is that I was pure and holy, and I looked forward to those promises coming true.
When I was 18 I met Eric, he was my hero, a man who had lived in a home with love and respect. I fell in love with the love that was in their home, his mom and dad loved me. His mother was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, inside and out, she knew the truth about the gospel, her eyes were open and she knew who she was as a woman, she knew she was of Divine nature, oh how I missed her when she passed away of breast cancer.
Eric and I were sealed in the Temple and before we knew it we had 3 small children, one day my mom and dad were visiting in our home and he disciplined Blake really harshly, it hit me hard and I asked him to step away I told him that Eric and I had a different way of taking care of things, I remember him being really upset with me, and it was at that moment I needed to tell Eric about my life growing up. One night, after a long day at work Eric came home and layed down on the floor, Kayla jumped on his back and began to rub his back, I immediately went into a rage calling him a child abuser and that I wanted him to go to the bishop right away, of coarse he said “yes I agree we need to see the bishop but not because I’ve done anything wrong, you need to see him” To make a long story shorter I did go in and see my bishop and explained my abuse as a child over the next year week after week I would go in and talk to the bishop and week after week he tried to get me to confront my father, but I knew if would hurt my mom so much and I was not ready for that. Finally we did, and it was a disaster he did not admit to any of it, and my mother did not believe me. It was devastating, I was constantly in tears feeling like I did something wrong, still continuing to be abused over and over again just by the mere fact that I felt because I had opened up Pandora’s box I was the reason for the break up of the family. We tried so hard to ask them to get help but it was never an option for them. All I could do was not let the voices of the world bring me down, I had to rise up above this, there were times I felt like the Lord had betrayed me, why didn’t he keep his promises? The Ultimate betrayal came when my mom did not believe me, I went back to church leaders and begged them for help, they too confronted my dad in hopes he would admit to what he had done, I’m sure hoping like I was that this could be fixed and the family could be whole again. This went on for a period of years, still no admittance I could not allow my children to be subject to the possibility of abuse, I wanted this cycle to stop with me. My mom refused to have a relationship with my sisters and I if we would not have one with her husband. These years in my life were the hardest years of our marriage, Eric was supportive and loving but still I felt like there was something I did wrong, something more I could be doing. Over the years my mom would send birthday cards to my kids, and I always told them they could call her and tell her thank you or send her a letter to thank her, but like most kids their loyalty was to me and they chose not to. One day a letter came from my mom that was disturbing and hurtful to me, and a part of the letter said that if I had truly forgiven him that I would be able to accept my father back into my life like nothing had ever happened. I took the letter to my church leader President Lesueur, he asked us to pray and fast and he would do the same, then we reported back to him in a few days. When I walked into his office the 2nd time he took me in his arms and with tears in his eyes he told me that he believed me, he believed all I had told him, he gave me a blessing, I walked away from that blessing knowing I had done all I can do to help my family be whole, I knew it was not up to me anymore. Peace came over me like I had never felt in my life.
I was finally seeing what Heaven sees in me, I was finally starting to understand that part of the Father lives in me, that if I continued to live on the path I was living all of those blessings HE promised me would be mine. I know I am a woman of great worth, with a divine nature, pure and holy being blessed everyday with a wonderful family, they absolutely know the truth of my life.
Almost two years ago my dad died, I went to hospital to be with my mom, all my kids came with me not knowing what to expect none of them had seen or talked to my mom or dad in over 18 years in fact my parents had never seen Haleigh , I admit I did not know what to expect I only knew what my Heavenly Father expected of me and that was to try, to try and help my mother who was in need and that maybe, just maybe this would be the time to work out a life time of mis-understanding and be able to do as the Savior has asked us to do FORGIVE. I had forgiven my dad years ago and was so happy that just 6 months before he died I had sent him an email to let him know I had forgiven him and hoped he was happy. My mom could still not get passed all the hurt she has felt over the years and was not ready to move forward, all I know is that I was not willing to go backwards. Although we have not spoken since the day after the hospital visit, I know I did the right thing and the Lord was with me guiding me as to what to say and how to act. 5 weeks later my birth father died and I spoke at his funeral.
Now I look at all this and I see the Lord has kept HIS promise to me, I promised to follow in Gods way as a young teenager, and HE promised to get me safe from the pain I was in , there was a time in my life that I strayed a little, at the time I did not understand my worth in his eyes, now I know without a shadow of a doubt HE looks down on me and still stands to those promises as long as I keep mine, be worthy, kind, and obedient I will continue to be blessed.