Tag: Hope

Why You Should Smile

Why You Should Smile

Chloe and Blake’s Wedding

There are people who love to star-gaze; I love to smile-gaze.  I miss my smile, it’s difficult to look back on pictures and see how vibrant my smile was, and how beautiful my teeth were when I smiled. Yesterday I was looking for the picture of Eric and I in Croatia and came across so many pictures of me smiling, some had me smiling as I reminisced  and some really made me sad. Knowing Dr. Lettieri was watching the World Cup I text him the picture and told him we were rooting for Croatia.  His reply back was “If Italy isn’t there who is watching?”  (smarty pants, he’s Italian)

Then he said “Nice photo of you and Eric.”

I text “Thank you, but I miss my smile”

Dr. Lettieri “Sorry”

Me “It’s not your fault”

Dr. Lettieri “I know but I can still feel bad for you”

Me: “I know you do, and I thank you for that”

Dr. Lettieri: (rainbow emoji)

Me: “If I hadn’t lost my smile I’d never appreciate it like I do, and I never would have met you. Things can always be worse.”

Dr. Lettieri: “There are turns in our lives that help to define us, it’s a Navajo belief, Seven Turns. I came across it because of an Allman Brother’s song; Seven Turns. In my studies I came loved the philosophy.”

Then he sent me a link: The Title refers to a Navajo belief that there are seven times in life that you must make a decision that determines your path. Taking a wrong path means you must either backtrack or stay on the road to ruin.

Me: “So did I take a wrong path, somewhere along the way?”

Dr. Lettieri: “You did not take the path, you are making the decisions based on what is brought before you.”

This is the YouTube video Dr. Lettieri sent me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VxoXn-0Ezs&list=PLdM–on9N1CrISKxH2JLWuNxRvdCbDB61&index=1

You can see why I love him, he really has a great heart and an old soul. I imagine he see’s so much anguish in his profession as a trauma surgeon. I appreciate his candor with me, but I love his perspective on life because of what he has seen and experienced. In my opinion-there is no trauma surgeon that even comes close to his skill, cutting edge ‘never give up’ style he is always thinking of his patients and what he can do to make life easier for them.

I downloaded that song he recommended, did some research on the Navajo traditions and thought about the philosophy behind the words of the song, today when I got in my car to go home after work it synced from my phone to my car and I played it on repeat the entire drive.  It made me smile thinking about Dr. Lettieri and his way of explaining to me my place in life right now has nothing to do with the choices I made, but more about what I am learning while given; and after receiving the trial.

So….why do I think you should smile?  Well one reason is because I can’t, so next time you bust out a giggle or two, think of me.   Another reason is because we show an exuberant amount of joy when we smile and it may just help someone who needs it.

We have so much to smile about, be happy you are not the one who can’t, you have a choice so smile and don’t ever take it for granted. It is a blessing.

 

XOXO Monya Williams

Living With Autism

Living With Autism

My amazing daughter Kayla is our oldest, she and her husband Jeremy have three boys diagnosed with Autism. Recker is the oldest 8 and 1/2, Ezra is 5 and Theo just turned 2. We love these boys so much, our entire family is in love with them, but even being the ‘grandmother’ (Bonbon) I don’t see the day-to-day struggle, the melt downs and the emotional rollercoaster Autism creates in a home.  Kayla does such a great job creating awareness on social media and within the walls of our home, still I can’t imagine the 24 hour care she gives them individually.  Each one of these special spirits come with their own needs, Recker is amazingly sweet and kind but is non-verbal, still wears a diaper, has to be constantly watched and shows his frustration by taking it out on mom or dad with a fist once in a while. Recker also loves to be outside, swims like a fish, is intrigued with fire and loves Disney movies.

Ezra age 5

Ezra, boy oh boy, this guy is talking up a storm but deals with emotional break downs daily, he can be irrational and moody it’s a constant wining problem. Ezra loves to be around family, plays well with other’s and wants to be an ‘ar thist’ (artist) he’s also scared to death of creepy crawly things, spiders, bugs etc. He is probably the most literal child I have ever met, if I said to him “You are cute” his response most likely would be “No, I am Ezra” This sounds like typical                                                                        behavior and yes, it could be however you’d have to see how he reacts to understand the emotions behind his fears. When he leaves our home he always comes up to me and say’s “I sad” I already know what his response is but always say “Why are you sad?” He comes back with “I going to miss you, I not want to go home” but if his parents were to leave without him there would be a total meltdown. So we hug, say “I love you” and off he goes.

Theo age 2

Theodore, Theo, Teddy….those are his names.  No matter what we call him he comes running.  Theo is on the spectrum, at what level we don’t know.  Kayla say’s he shows signs just like Recker and Ezra did, so right now while he seems typical we enjoy every minute of his cuteness because we never know when or if regression will start.  This little guy is pretty content, he points and shows us things he wants, takes our hand to lead us to rooms to play and is just starting to say a few words.  Sunday night he took all the Disney magnets off my freezer one at a time and brought them to me saying “who that?” and as a typical child would do at age 2 he is constantly asking “what that?” while he points to something he wants us to explain.  If I ask him “Do you want a popsicle?” (or just about anything I ask if he wants) his answer is “uh huh” while shaking his head “yes”  He also loves the outdoors, but does not like to swim in the pool like Recker and Ezra do.

Kayla and Jeremy are absolutely involved in these boys lives, caring and loving for them no matter the circumstances.  I know they have their moments when they need space to cry, I also know they sometimes just laugh because what else can they do? Even as Kayla’s mother I will never understand the constant emotions they endure. I’m not sure I could do what they have and will continue to do, but I am eternally grateful for Kayla’s openness and honesty when teaching me about ASD. She is the mom who constantly researches and studies, wanting to know everything she can to help her boys process and deal with their diagnosis.

This is something she recently posted, it broke my heart but it is the reality of any parent who has children with Autism, oh and let me interject here one of the things Kayla kindly taught me–people with Autism are diagnosed it is not ‘who they are’ saying a child or person is Autistic is defining them.

and my personal favorite post, I don’t live in ‘judgement’ so this does not offend me, if it does offend you I’m sorry but it is the real life of so many families dealing with Autism. I’d like to also insert at this moment children with or people who are diagnosed with Autism are not defined by the disease, it is something they ‘have’ not ‘who they are’ Autistic defines them, being labeled as a person who is  Autistic is hurtful and not politite

This was her post and her comment was “We are literally getting our asses kicked over here.”

 

XOXO Monya Bonbon

 

 

His Grace

His Grace

 

So Much To See

I remember taking this picture in 2015, just a year after being diagnosed with facial paralysis. Frenchie took me on a trip between surgeries; funny I can’t remember where we were. We’ve been on so many trips together trying hard to mark everything off of my bucket list. I do recall looking out of the window far above the clouds and seeing this breath-taking view; it was at this moment I realized I have taken so much for granted; our world is beautiful so many nooks and crannies we will never explore, but just knowing they are out there gives me hope and a sense of a spirit much larger than my soul can imagine.

There is so much to see in this beautiful world of ours; but my favorite place to be is with my family, there is no other joy and peace I feel watching my children grow into happy, healthy adults who cherish one another and understand the importance of time, time together making memories to last for eternity.

I started back to work yesterday, it was physically painful however I’ll take the pain over depression any day any time. There is something about being through so many surgeries, procedures, pokes and tests that make me wonder once again what I am supposed to be learning.  I am well aware of all my weaknesses-I say damn and hell every once in a while, I judge people when I should be reaching out to them, I’m simply not perfect and not ready to die. I try daily to be better than I was the day before and so often fail in my attempt; but one thing I never do is leave my Heavenly Father out of my daily routine. He guides me and helps me to become the woman I strive to be.

This was me on May 1st, 2014 I thought I was so happy, look at my smile, my beautiful teeth. Oh how I loved to smile.  I’d finished chemo, radiation and several surgeries and was well on my way to being ‘ok’ with living with cancer. I see some wrinkles, but mostly I see joy in my eyes for the happiness I felt being alive. Then life came to a screeching halt and I was once again faced with an unfortunate life altering transfiguration.

On May 15, 2014 this was me lying in the Mayo Clinic hospital fighting for my life.  There was a sadness I had never experienced. My life would never be the same, my face would show the sadness and sorrow. There was simply no one on earth who could possibly understand what it felt like to hear my surgeon tell me “I’m sorry to tell you, your face will never be the same again, you need to get used to the new you”

That task seemed daunting and unachievable I didn’t know how I could face a world where physical beauty had become the main focus for so many people. I never realized I was one of those people, I was vain I wanted my smile back I wanted to be normal, heck I’d even take typical. With help from Dr.Lettieri teaching me grace comes from within, I have been able to somewhat come to accept who I am, what I am meant to do here on earth; and it is definitely not to be a fashion model. My Heavenly Father has so much more in store for me and I’ve come to understand true authenticity and absolute beauty comes from knowing who you are and where you are going, it comes from first loving yourself no matter the circumstances life throws at us.  It certainly sounds easier than it actually is to do, I have spent 3 years working on myself, studying and trying to teach our  youth to love their life. If all of us could see ourselves through our Father in Heaven’s eyes I think we would be surprised to know what He sees in each of us; I believe He knows my heart, He feels my pain but mostly He understands I am trying everyday to become a worthy woman of infinite worth in His eyes.

This was me just a few days ago at Shane Wright’s luncheon after his funeral; I love this picture with Archer, still bruised and swollen looking at this picture I realize my grandchildren will never know the face or person I used to be they only know Bonbon exactly how I am today, and they love me unconditionally as I do them. The woman in this picture has come a long way with still so much to learn about herself and other’s. There is no better Hope than knowing I have many years to learn and teach other’s how to cope with unforeseen circumstances and to accept to love themselves in away no one on earth can understand. I am truly blessed and Amazed at the grace He so fully offers all of us.

Monya Bonbon

See You Later

See You Later

To say it’s been a whirlwind of emotions the past 6 weeks would be an understatement. This is Shane Wright, his son Brian is married to my daughter Kaitlyn. Shane celebrated his birthday on May 24th with his wife children and nine grandchildren; two of which we share grand parenting with. Kaitlyn said his birthday was so fun, they played and danced together ate pizza had ice cream and cake. Shane sat watching his children and grandchildren laugh and play together from his own words “We’re told by Heavenly Father we may have joy in our posterity. Nothing compares to the joy that I feel when our family is all together. It’s the purest joy a parent can have. My heart is full” On Wednesday May 30th this giant of a man left this life to live with his Heavenly Father.

Shane’s posterity, such a beautiful family.

The first time I met Brian I knew he was a special man; most parents think their daughters are too good for most men but Eric and I are were so impressed with Brian we were afraid Kaitlyn would scare him off. When Brian asked Eric for Kaitlyn’s hand in marriage, he actually told him no twice. Poor Brian was living in Utah and chose to drive to Arizona twice to get Eric’s approval. I explained to Eric it is always hard on father’s to finally hand their daughter’s over to another man for them to care and love for, but it was time. We had the opportunity to meet Shane and Dee Dee Wright before they were married and immediately our hearts were bonded to them. Kaitlyn and Brian were married and had their wedding reception in our backyard in November of 2009.  I was diagnosed with cancer during their engagement and started chemo therapy just two days after their wedding; I will never forget Shane and Dee Dee’s constant prayer’s on my behalf.

Shane (grandad) Phoenix and Dee Dee (Mimi)

Over the years and two grandchildren later we grew to love this man and were so proud to have the opportunity to co-grandparent with he and Dee Dee.  Shane was a stone mason, he had an eye for perfection when it came to his profession. He also raised his children to have respect for other’s and to share the knowledge they had of the Gospel of Christ. The last time I spoke to Shane he was visiting in Arizona and had helped pick out stone for a fireplace in Haleigh and Scott’s home. We stood outside next to his truck while Phoenix played and ate snacks from his granddad’s truck.

He asked me how I was doing and told me he never misses a day of praying for me. Then he looked at me and said “Perspectives change when you know you are not going to be on earth forever, we have truly been blessed.”  Shane knew he had some time left but was also realistic enough to know what he was diagnosed with was incurable and unless he was struck by lightning or hit by a car, he would definitely die from his diagnosis.

It was evident when I sat in the Chapel at his funeral and watched over 300 people sit and listened to his family speak of Shane and his incredible accomplishments in life; and when I say accomplishments it had nothing to do with money. Shane helped youth, many young boys grow and become fine men, husbands and fathers. They testified of Shane’s undying sacrifice’s as he served others unconditionally.  I don’t believe Shane had an enemy’s, everyone loved him. His smile and attention to details lit up any room he entered. Each and every time Eric and I saw him he looked at us in the eyes and asked about us, how we were doing, how each of our children and grandchildren were–simply put he cared genuinely for people.

When Brian spoke at the funeral, he was speaking about his father but was describing himself in every way. I love Brian, I love everything about him we are blessed to have him in our family and know he will miss his father deeply but will carry on the traditions of his father and pass down his work ethic and compassion for other people to his own children.

I will miss Shane and still have a hard time believing he is gone from our lives for now; so until we meet again I will do my best to be a good person, share memories with Phoenix, Archer and their future children about the amazing grandad they had.  I never say good-bye so see you later Shane

Monya Bonbon

My Name Is Hope

My Name Is Hope

 

Unfortunelty I did not get to go to Porte Jaune Paris yesterday. Eric and I arrived at The Mayo Clinic on time, checked in and soon they called me back. While I prepared myself to be sedated and enjoy a nice bike ride through my favorite happy place I had no idea what lye ahead of me. I was taken into the surgery room and told they would take my blood, spin it in some type of machine I could see in the corner of the room and then they would replace it into the hip bones.  I looked at the doctor and asked “how many times have you done this?” (Dr. Kreymerman taught me to always ask.) The reply I received was “Never, you’re our first, so there will be several other doctors in the room observing.” I could feel anxiety flushing though my body as they began explaining they would be performing this procedure on both hips (bi-lateral) and they would not be using any anesthetic, in other words I would be awake. My brain suddenly became a foggy mess I could hear them talking, but wanted them to be quiet. I turned my head toward them and said “Oh no, I can’t do this while I’m awake” then the doctor explained it wouldn’t be any worse than getting a cortisone shot. I wondered how he knew that if he had never performed this before.

As he began to draw blood from my right arm, the first sting of the needle penetrating my skin and then being shoved into a vein brought me up off the table. I explained to them how hard it is to find good veins on me and that Mayo usually gets a specialist to come in for this part. After 4 sticks, they finally asked for the specialists to come in. I asked them to please stop everything and go get my headphones and phone from Eric so I could try to distract myself with music.  The initial response was—-is she kidding?  I looked at the nurse and begged her to please do this for me, The doctor agreed and off she went to get the music. My hands were tied down so I could not control the music, she put the wireless headphone in my left ear and went to playlists and pushed ‘purchased’ I soon heard music, but not the music I wanted to hear—what was this?  The words were so distracting I could not concentrate the words to the song were ‘Punching Bag’–I asked them to stop once again and change it to my playlist called Church Music.

Instantly  I could hear the beautiful music from our dear friend Clyde Bawden and began to relax. I tried to close my eyes, but the right eye would not close–I asked them to please close it for me and they did continually throughout the procedure. My veins continued to roll, the anesthesiologist poked and prodded until she finally found one vein they were able to suck all the blood out of, however it was not quite enough. A tear rolled down my cheek, as they apologized and asked if they could try on the left arm…at this point I thought “Do I have a choice?” After 10 pokes they were finally able to get more blood still not an adequate amount but we proceeded. I remember looking at all the doctors eyes, their mouths were covered with masks–as the tear rolled one of the doctors winked at me as if to say “I’m sorry”

“Try to relax, while we spin your blood.” The nurse rubbed my arms and held my hand while I  listened to a beautiful song I’d never heard before. I concentrated on the words as I watched all the physicians gather around the ‘blood spinning machine’ “Hello my name is hope, I have made many smile, they’ve tried to keep me silent, they’ve sent rain and they’ve sent fire, but I’m strong and enduring, I am eternal” Tears rolled down my cheeks as the words continued “I know it’s hard to believe in something when it cannot be seen, but my name is Hope and if you are listening then you will hear me singing, I’ve held the hands of children and gave them reason to survive and I can feel their afflictions, please let me come in…my name is Hope and I spring eternal.”  I opened my eyes as the song ended to see the physicians taking my blood out of the spinner and into a syringe–I was asked to lye on my left side. I will never forget what happened next, it was explained they were going to now insert the blood and he did, but not without me screaming in pain–“relax–relax” was all I could hear–that my friends was impossible to do.

The incredible pain I felt as the needle penetrated my bones made my body shake, it reminded me of what my body did when the nerve in my face popped.  “Hold on we are almost done” as the depth of the needle made it to it’s final resting spot I screamed out in pain and asked them to stop, but it was too late the pain quickly and sharply made it to my ankle –it wasn’t going away, I shoved the sheet into my mouth and screamed by now I was sobbing the tears were not going to stop as I hid my head in the pillow. The Doctor moved to the other side of the table rubbed my arm and said “I’m right here” I immediately said with quivering lips “That’s what I’m afraid of” “Well she still has her wit” they all laughed as they turned me over to proceed on the left hip.  I told them I needed to breath for a moment before we started–I asked the nurse to please put my ear bud back in my ear and find the song “Be Still, My Soul” I once again closed my eye and she closed my right eye as they began to force the needle in through the bone–I yelled “I can’t do this”  “We are almost done, just relax”  That word RELAX….what does that even mean….relax……?   seriously…..? I was supposed to be in Porte Jaune picking wild berries, eating a crepe with Nutella, bananas and fresh shredded coconut.  I wanted Eric in the room, I knew he would understand, he could calm me- The Doctor announced “Ok, we are all done”…. Was  I supposed to say “great, thank you it’s been fun?” No, I hid my face in the pillow and cried uncontrollably, weeping, my body began to shake as my crying became louder and stronger the nurse rubbed my back–“I can’t breath….can you get my husband?” Within minutes they had me sit up and move into a wheelchair so they could take me to recovery. The transition was excruciating, since I was the first patient to ever have this surgery they were not prepared with pain medicine. I believe they thought this was going to be much easer than it was.  I was still crying hard when they brought Eric back, I was embarrassed and I think Eric was a little shocked to see me in this condition.

I’ve been home a couple days now, I have the walker manipulation down–Up to the bathroom and right back down on the sofa.  Nothing is permanent, not even pain.

 

XOXO Monya Bonbon

Thought Project

Thought Project

I’ve heard that the happiness in your life depends so much on the quality of your thoughts. I believe this is so true. For many years I was fed negative words I felt worthless and unimportant. The damage was incredibly damaging, I’ve taken the past seven years to transform my thinking by listening with my heart and acting on impressions I receive to help other people.

The brain is such a powerful organ, everyone likes to hear they are wanted, needed and important. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance to change my thoughts not only towards myself but to reexamine why people say and do the things they do.

I realize now if we all knew just how powerful they are we’d probably never think a negative thought again. I think the primary cause of un-happiness usually has nothing to do with the situation but more about your thoughts about it.

Recently Eric and I visited a few countries Italy, Croatia, and Greece. The day was absolutely beautiful, as I waited for Eric I watched a young girl (maybe 4 or 5) she played joyfully with a small souvenir her parents had bought for her. The look on the girl’s face was priceless as she counted in her cute English accent’ the times she was able to flip the ball into it’s carriage. Suddenly a grumpy old man walked passed just as she flipped the ball into the air, it happened to hit the man on the arm. He quickly turned to the little girl and said “You brat, how stupid are you?” What came next was amazing to watch. She turned and said “Sorry to have bothered you, I hope the rest of your day is better.”

In my opinion this little girl was taught very well, manners matter and she knew it. What the man said to her didn’t seem to penetrate her brain as it did mine. She continued on with a smile
she wasn’t hurt in the least by this immature, ignorant man. She realized it was his problem, she apologized and went about her business.

Changing thought process’s is very difficult, but it can be done. I’m working on it, everyday I watch and learn by the experiences around me. Is the situation really the problem? Or is there an opportunity to learn and grow? Thoughts lead to purpose–with purposes it helps us go forward with action–we know actions turn to habits–most habits decide our character, and character helps define our destiny. One thing I try to do everyday is for every negative thought I have I put money in a container, then at the end of the year I will give this to a charity of my choice. I am getting really good at releasing those negative thoughts before they enter my head and replacing them with positive ones, soon I will be replacing the negative thoughts with the positive and have a much larger amount of money to give.

Monya Bonbon

Mother’s

Mother’s

 

What is it about Mother’s that make us celebrate and dedicate an entire day to them?  I loved being pregnant, was sleep deprived when they were infants, frustrated when they were toddlers and spent a lot of time on my knees when they became teenagers.

So, is there a secret to being a good mom? It’s the hardest, most exhausting job I’ve ever had.  I was never interviewed to determine if I met the requirements, I wasn’t given a manual when I left the hospital but I also never questioned the unconditional love I had for each one of my babies.

Did I make mistakes? Yes I did, I made plenty of mistakes, I still do.  Even though my children are now parents themselves I’m still their mother, I will always be their mother yet still there are times I want to be better.

The truth is motherhood is an amazing gift, not a competition I spent too much time comparing myself to other women who I ‘thought’ were doing a much better ‘job’ then I did.  I always dread sitting through church on Mother’s Day.  Every year, every speaker talks about how wonderfully perfect their mother is. I know none of my children can honestly say I was a perfect mother.

This year I loved listening to the stories about mothers.  I finally realize it’s ok to not be perfect, in fact it’s annoying to even try to be perfect.  I am perfectly imperfect and I’m feeling fantastic about it.  Frenchie and I have done our very best;  I have no regrets. Our four children are incredible but it has nothing to do with our parenting skills or lack of.

Each one of our children are unique and talented in their own way, as much as I’d like to take credit for their incredible attributes; I can’t. So to every mother out there who beats themselves up for not being the mom you ‘think’  you should be or could have been STOP THAT– Motherhood is hard for every woman, finding balance in every move you make is gut wrenching at times but at the end of the day if you can say “I did my best today” you’ve done your job. If you feel frustrated and wish you’d done something different, then do it; there is always tomorrow.

Monya Bonbon

 

 

Beauty

Beauty

Tale as old as time? Perhaps, with a few modern changes. I’ve always loved the original animated movie. Kaitlyn was obsessed with watching. She’d wake up every morning, I’d hear the pitter patter of her little feet running as fast as she could to ask “Bu Beez?” I think we watched it several times a day, for over a year.  I thought I remembered the story and beautiful music, especially after allowing Kaitlyn to monopolize the television for days, weeks and months on end. I still love the music however, the meaning behind the plot of the story took on a whole new meaning to me.

The movie will live on forever because the message is about pure love, It’s not about how pretty somebody is, but about someone’s heart and soul. The love between Belle and the Beast is honest, and that makes the film so special. Another attribute I noticed about Belle I hadn’t thought about when my children were younger, is that she has the intelligence, humor,  a special spirit and she’s stunningly beautiful.

She’s an old soul,  she’s a nurturing person. She’s got a lot of compassion and forgiveness in her. And she has her stubborn side too, which makes her fun and charming. When you’ve experienced death in your family, then you realize how incredibly moving that moment was and how truly remarkable it was for Belle to give up everything for her father. It shows how courageous she is.

I left this movie feeling grateful and renewed for hope in the world.  Thank you Disney for re-creating another uplifting, beautiful story.

Monya Bonbon

My Happiness Experiment

My Happiness Experiment

 I’ve always wondered why so many people who work in a customer service atmosphere whether through, text, an actual phone call or face to face; can have such lack of empathy.
I’ve worked in the Airline Industry for over 30 years now.  Currently I work for American Airlines (formerly UsAirways formerly America West Airlines) Through the years of working with the general public I’ve learned to be a problem solver.  Yes, I’ve been called every name in the book.
Many times I try hard to keep from laughing when a snow storm keeps a passenger from getting from point A to point B they are furious because the planes are obviously grounded for take off.  I can appreciate the frustration however God is in charge of the weather not American Airlines.  Finding some balance with people is sometimes a challenge especially when voices are raised and tears are falling. My heart usually reaches out and I am able to help them understand the reality of their situation. It’s not always the ending they were expecting but showing a little understanding for their inconvenience whether American Airlines has a maintenance issue or nature decides to rear her nasty head of rain, snow or sleet it helps them feel validated.
Today instead of ending my calls with “Thank you for calling American Airlines have a good day” I chose to say “Thank you for calling American Airlines, I hope you have a Happy Day!” In making a conscious effort to do this the cadence in not only my voice changed but the passengers noticed from the moment I answered their call.  In my job I have heard every heartbreaking story, every white lie and excuse in the book.  Today was no different, I just chose to hear things with a smile on my face. Call after call each and every passenger made a comment about my positive attitude, they thanked me for listening, apologized for attacking me and I hung up feeling happy myself.  I was less stressed, full of energy and excited to do it again tomorrow.
When I started working in the airline industry I was a totally different person than I am now in fact I am a different woman than I was two years ago.  I shutter when I think about how many times those heartfelt stories went on deaf ears as they would explain the tragic death of a child, husband, wife mom, dad, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin etc.  I was so much about the business at hand I forgot to take into consideration these are real live people with real problems.  Perspectives have changed, today a woman started to cry when  I asked how I could assist her.  She proceeded to make arrangements for her son who would be flown home from the war–in a body bag–I tried hard to keep the tears from falling but was unsuccessful.  Her choice of words was shocking to me, however the pain in her voice was something I will not soon forget.  So, do I say “have a good day?” or “have a happy day?” Neither, because I knew the trauma she was experiencing I asked her if there was anything, anything at all left I could do to make this easier for her.  Her response was, “You were the person I needed to talk to today.  Thank you for listening.”  It was a simple reply to a complicated relm of emotions she was feeling.
I had choices today, lots of choices.  I’m happy with the ones I made.  I promised this mother I would be thinking about the sacrifice her son made on Memorial Day in just a couple of weeks and hoped she would feel some relief knowing he was serving his country.
Happiness is a choice, but I also believe we all have a triggers within us that can cause an uproar of emotions, they can cancel out any feelings of joy.  It would be inappropriate to be happy and jubilant with the death of a child or family member.  Having the knowledge of hope for a brighter tomorrow helps me to flow through difficult emotions, I’ve learned to literally feel the emotion but not allow myself to invest or linger in the immediate sorrow for more than necessary.  Losing a child, divorcing, being diagnosed with a terminal disease, having a child with a special need these are just a few examples of life altering situations and will surely take time to process and learn from.  My hope is that the people who are experiencing these hardships will take the time they need to mourn, get mad, be sad, feel fear, anxiety and depression then pick themselves up, don’t look back and never ever give up on the living.

Because He Lives

Because He Lives

Today is Easter 2016.  I enjoyed every minute of the day.  Eric and I attended church, partook of the sacrament and listened to Cindy Packard and Kyhle Powell eloquently speak about the resurrection of Christ.  I was deeply touched by Cindy’s talk, as she spoke of our lives in Heaven I closed my eyes and imagined being in a perfect state of mind, perfect body, no scars and being embraced by Eric’s mom and Dad.  I so look forward to that day!  My life is beautiful right now, I am finally beginning to be ok with who I am, what I look like and how I speak to people.  I have 4 darling grandchildren and one to arrive in June, these sweet little angel’s bring so much joy to my life. Recker is 6 year’s old now, today he was so excited to take my phone and watch movies he does not have at home. As I watched him swing the bat at the traditional Williams Easter piñata his smile was pure and refreshing, he is perfect in every way.  Ezra is 3 year’s old now, his laugh is contagious when he walks into the room we definitely KNOW he’s here! He will run into any of our arms hug us tight and give us a big kiss on the lips….then smile with those big huge eyes of his.  He say’s a few words now we relish in those moments because we know children with Autism can regress, as Recker has at times and we may not hear a word from them again for months.  Phoenix is a blondie just like his dad and his mother were at his age.  He just turned 1 year old and is making a name for himself.  He is darling walking around saying while pointing “that….that…..that….” He say’s mom, dad, papa, bye bye while waving and an animated Hi to everyone he see’s.  Wesley is our little princess among the boy’s.  She is 6 weeks old and purely angelic.
Because I know He Lives I can face tomorrow.  I love these hopeful words, tomorrow I will enter once again into a surgery with Dr. Lettieri.  I’m hoping to see Eric’s mom while I am under sedation no one brings me safely to my comfort zone like she does.  It’s late I’m tired and need to get rest, I have no anxiety, no fear going into this surgery I never have with Dr. Lettieri he gives me strength and helps me to see the big picture.  This surgery I am having is because a sore on my neck where the drain was placed during my last surgery will not heal,  that surgery was on December 2nd.  I have a problem with infection.  Sonya explained to me this week that my mother died from an infection she battled for 3 year’s, seems I have her gene’s running through me.