Tag: Facial Paralysis

Why You Should Smile

Why You Should Smile

Chloe and Blake’s Wedding

There are people who love to star-gaze; I love to smile-gaze.  I miss my smile, it’s difficult to look back on pictures and see how vibrant my smile was, and how beautiful my teeth were when I smiled. Yesterday I was looking for the picture of Eric and I in Croatia and came across so many pictures of me smiling, some had me smiling as I reminisced  and some really made me sad. Knowing Dr. Lettieri was watching the World Cup I text him the picture and told him we were rooting for Croatia.  His reply back was “If Italy isn’t there who is watching?”  (smarty pants, he’s Italian)

Then he said “Nice photo of you and Eric.”

I text “Thank you, but I miss my smile”

Dr. Lettieri “Sorry”

Me “It’s not your fault”

Dr. Lettieri “I know but I can still feel bad for you”

Me: “I know you do, and I thank you for that”

Dr. Lettieri: (rainbow emoji)

Me: “If I hadn’t lost my smile I’d never appreciate it like I do, and I never would have met you. Things can always be worse.”

Dr. Lettieri: “There are turns in our lives that help to define us, it’s a Navajo belief, Seven Turns. I came across it because of an Allman Brother’s song; Seven Turns. In my studies I came loved the philosophy.”

Then he sent me a link: The Title refers to a Navajo belief that there are seven times in life that you must make a decision that determines your path. Taking a wrong path means you must either backtrack or stay on the road to ruin.

Me: “So did I take a wrong path, somewhere along the way?”

Dr. Lettieri: “You did not take the path, you are making the decisions based on what is brought before you.”

This is the YouTube video Dr. Lettieri sent me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VxoXn-0Ezs&list=PLdM–on9N1CrISKxH2JLWuNxRvdCbDB61&index=1

You can see why I love him, he really has a great heart and an old soul. I imagine he see’s so much anguish in his profession as a trauma surgeon. I appreciate his candor with me, but I love his perspective on life because of what he has seen and experienced. In my opinion-there is no trauma surgeon that even comes close to his skill, cutting edge ‘never give up’ style he is always thinking of his patients and what he can do to make life easier for them.

I downloaded that song he recommended, did some research on the Navajo traditions and thought about the philosophy behind the words of the song, today when I got in my car to go home after work it synced from my phone to my car and I played it on repeat the entire drive.  It made me smile thinking about Dr. Lettieri and his way of explaining to me my place in life right now has nothing to do with the choices I made, but more about what I am learning while given; and after receiving the trial.

So….why do I think you should smile?  Well one reason is because I can’t, so next time you bust out a giggle or two, think of me.   Another reason is because we show an exuberant amount of joy when we smile and it may just help someone who needs it.

We have so much to smile about, be happy you are not the one who can’t, you have a choice so smile and don’t ever take it for granted. It is a blessing.

 

XOXO Monya Williams

The Truth About Scars

The Truth About Scars

What the hell is beauty anyway? It seems the world in general is quick to measure something none of us can really define.  I mean let’s be real here, I adore the classic look of Jackie Kennedy, while some of my best friends think she looked stuffy and too conservative.  And what about the color of your kitchen-Do you love it?  Maybe I don’t love it, but I love that YOU love it.  I think something is beautiful because I say it is, not because the world does.  If I say the scars on my breasts, or the droopy face I am forced to live with is beautiful, then it is.  I’ve always struggled with the concept of ‘beauty’  why it matters, or what it means. Maybe because I was told as I child I was not beautiful; ‘boobless’ was a common phrase sent my way. My life was ugly growing up, I was marred by deceit, anger, trauma and pain.

My body is riddled with scars, some are visible to most people, some are hidden deep within my soul. The story behind each and every one of my scars has molded me and helped me become the woman who I am today-someone I like.  I for one do not want to live in a world where beauty is limited to what other people say it is? Do you want to live in a world where we try to contain beauty into a small little box?  Beauty is undefinable and some may say uncontrollable, it is an experience not a ‘thing’

I chose to make my own rules, define my own beauty, dismantle the boxes, and break all the celebrity rules, I am and should always be defined by my self-worth, my integrity and the love I have for all of God’s creatures……and when I say ‘creatures’ I’m including the human race, seemingly the hardest critics of all.  It wasn’t until I lost my smile that I realized I had always took my smile for granted. I want to smile so badly, I want to belly laugh with my girls, I hope they will remember me with a smile.

Lights, camera, action …..Hollywood has decided that beauty is in the glossy pages of a magazine, or a wafer thin model.  Beauty has become superficial; eye color, hair texture, and the number on the scale. Beauty has become something to be weighed and measured.  I may have fed into that before I was diagnosed with breast cancer and endured over 41 surgeries in 8 years.  I no longer see beauty as merely something flawless or perfect.  To me beauty is a grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I see beauty in my scars, emotional and physical. Doesn’t everyone have some scars?  Whether freckles from sun damage, triggers- hearing, tasting or smelling a reminder of the past.  Maybe you’ve had a broken heart or a broken bone. Whatever it is, or when it comes (and it will) live with no regrets, do what you can to protect yourself, but love the scar it may leave on you.

Scars, I mean my scars are beautiful, it means I’ve lived an amazing life, I’m a fighter they remind me of my inner strength and propel me to want to be a  warrior and survivor.

XOXO Monya

Memory Of Cleveland Clinic

Memory Of Cleveland Clinic

Every 3rd of July I am reminded of fighting for my life in The Cleveland Clinic. Four years ago today I was in surgery, literally hoping for a miracle. Little did I know the miracle was sitting right here in Arizona, with Doctor Lettieri.

On July 3rd 2014 I was rolled into surgery, Eric gave me a kiss on the forehead as they wheeled me into the operating room. Tears rolled down my cheeks onto the pillow, nurses kindly asked what they could do to help; shaking my head, watching them walk away I knew there was nothing anyone could do. Not even with the best surgeons on the face of the earth, no one could be able to bring my smile back.

The worst was still ahead of me, waking up in the recovery room after an eleven hour surgery I felt my head. It was full of staples, like a train track from one side to the other and down the back of my skull. My ear was pounding and swollen. I just wanted to see Eric and go home; after seven weeks in Cleveland I was depressed, sad and disoriented.

The next day, the fourth of July 2014 is a day I will never forget. No attending’s were in the ICU, the residents were in charge for the Holiday. Pain beyond my belief was surging through my body; a senior resident forgot to put orders in for pain medicine; I thought I would die on that day. I was prepared with letters to my children and dear husband. When the resident did not answer page after page to come to the ICU-I went further and further into a deep dark place, actually wanting my life to end because the pain was so bad. Nurses rubbed my legs and listened to me sing “Be Still My Soul” and “I am a Child of God” over and over again. It was an hour and fifteen minutes the senior resident finally make it to my room, followed behind him were other junior residents. He questioned my pain like I was faking; wondered why I was crying, and asked me too many questions; which I believe now was a senior resident showing off for the junior residents. I was gasping for air I couldn’t speak without trembling, he finally gave me the pain medicine. Even after the pain medicine was in my system my body shook like a baby, composing myself was difficult.

This is one of the junior residents Brendan Alleyne-he came to visit me after that incident and held my hand. The compassion he showed was nothing I will ever forget, I wish I could tell him what his acts of kindness did for my faith in the future of medicine. I’m thinking about him today, Dr. Lettieri is constantly telling me about the ego’s of residents, just like the senior resident I encountered at Cleveland Clinic. They forget who they are serving, I often wonder if he would have treated me different if I had been his mother, wife or child. Thank you Dr. Alleyne wherever you are today, I believe you are caring and sharing for your own patients now and hopefully learned something from this experience that will help you always remember patients are real people, with real families and a story to tell.

XOXO Monya

His Grace

His Grace

 

So Much To See

I remember taking this picture in 2015, just a year after being diagnosed with facial paralysis. Frenchie took me on a trip between surgeries; funny I can’t remember where we were. We’ve been on so many trips together trying hard to mark everything off of my bucket list. I do recall looking out of the window far above the clouds and seeing this breath-taking view; it was at this moment I realized I have taken so much for granted; our world is beautiful so many nooks and crannies we will never explore, but just knowing they are out there gives me hope and a sense of a spirit much larger than my soul can imagine.

There is so much to see in this beautiful world of ours; but my favorite place to be is with my family, there is no other joy and peace I feel watching my children grow into happy, healthy adults who cherish one another and understand the importance of time, time together making memories to last for eternity.

I started back to work yesterday, it was physically painful however I’ll take the pain over depression any day any time. There is something about being through so many surgeries, procedures, pokes and tests that make me wonder once again what I am supposed to be learning.  I am well aware of all my weaknesses-I say damn and hell every once in a while, I judge people when I should be reaching out to them, I’m simply not perfect and not ready to die. I try daily to be better than I was the day before and so often fail in my attempt; but one thing I never do is leave my Heavenly Father out of my daily routine. He guides me and helps me to become the woman I strive to be.

This was me on May 1st, 2014 I thought I was so happy, look at my smile, my beautiful teeth. Oh how I loved to smile.  I’d finished chemo, radiation and several surgeries and was well on my way to being ‘ok’ with living with cancer. I see some wrinkles, but mostly I see joy in my eyes for the happiness I felt being alive. Then life came to a screeching halt and I was once again faced with an unfortunate life altering transfiguration.

On May 15, 2014 this was me lying in the Mayo Clinic hospital fighting for my life.  There was a sadness I had never experienced. My life would never be the same, my face would show the sadness and sorrow. There was simply no one on earth who could possibly understand what it felt like to hear my surgeon tell me “I’m sorry to tell you, your face will never be the same again, you need to get used to the new you”

That task seemed daunting and unachievable I didn’t know how I could face a world where physical beauty had become the main focus for so many people. I never realized I was one of those people, I was vain I wanted my smile back I wanted to be normal, heck I’d even take typical. With help from Dr.Lettieri teaching me grace comes from within, I have been able to somewhat come to accept who I am, what I am meant to do here on earth; and it is definitely not to be a fashion model. My Heavenly Father has so much more in store for me and I’ve come to understand true authenticity and absolute beauty comes from knowing who you are and where you are going, it comes from first loving yourself no matter the circumstances life throws at us.  It certainly sounds easier than it actually is to do, I have spent 3 years working on myself, studying and trying to teach our  youth to love their life. If all of us could see ourselves through our Father in Heaven’s eyes I think we would be surprised to know what He sees in each of us; I believe He knows my heart, He feels my pain but mostly He understands I am trying everyday to become a worthy woman of infinite worth in His eyes.

This was me just a few days ago at Shane Wright’s luncheon after his funeral; I love this picture with Archer, still bruised and swollen looking at this picture I realize my grandchildren will never know the face or person I used to be they only know Bonbon exactly how I am today, and they love me unconditionally as I do them. The woman in this picture has come a long way with still so much to learn about herself and other’s. There is no better Hope than knowing I have many years to learn and teach other’s how to cope with unforeseen circumstances and to accept to love themselves in away no one on earth can understand. I am truly blessed and Amazed at the grace He so fully offers all of us.

Monya Bonbon

Grands

Grands

There is simply nothing better than being a grandparent; and one who is needed. Kaitlyn and Brian flew to Utah a couple of weeks ago to say their final words of love to a beloved husband, father and grandfather; we will truly miss Shane Wright’s presence in our lives. Sharing grandchildren with he and his darling wife Dee Dee has been such a joy.

Haleigh, Kayla and Chloe and Blake stayed with the boys while I recovered enough to help out. They have been with me 24/7 for the past 4 days; tomorrow we will fly to Utah for the funeral. It’s hard to imagine these sweet grandsons not having the opportunity to remember what a giant of a man Shane Wright was. I imagine, as I did with Eric’s mom Kaitlyn and Brian will keep granddad Wright alive in the lives of these boys.

For me, the recovery process after this last surgery with Dr. Lettieri is going a little bit slower than I imagined it would. After visiting with Dr. Lettieri this week, he was pleased with how things look, the flap took and the stitches from one side of my head to the other are beginning to dissolve. The pain is subsiding; well it was until Archer flung his head into the area where I had my surgery, yes I saw some stars but mostly wanted Archie to know it was not his fault.

I forgot how demanding little one’s can be when they are in your constant care 24/7. Archer has not been feeling well and unfortunately I believe he has passed it on to me.

Monya Bonbon

 

Dr. Lettieri Post Op

Dr. Lettieri Post Op

This is the REAL Dr. Lettieri–my Flip Phone Doctor is back-with his Converse, humor and beautiful blue eyes. After assessing my bruising and clotting, we have decided to wait a couple of weeks to see how it looks-we are not afraid of the blood clots traveling. My face feels like it did when I had Capsular Contracture in my breasts–extremely hard to the touch–but the bruising is almost gone. Dr. Lettieri said because of how much work he needed to do my face will take longer to heal. I will be undergoing a few more surgeries this year. My sinus reconstruction will be toward the end of the year, and Dr. Lettieri referred me to someone he said he would “allow to operate on his family’ If knew Dr. Lettieri like I do that is quite a compliment. He picked up  his handy dandy flip phone and contacted Dr. Howard’s office to send me asap. It’s nice to have a surgeon who is humble enough to understand there maybe another doctor (who was trained by Lettieri) he trusts and admires. I told him how nervous I was to see a different surgeon, he explained to me on the next surgery Dr. Lettieri will be in attendance, but not for the nasal reconstruction, to perform the rest of the facial reconstruction. (and possibly to check in on me) So three surgeries in one if if works out.–Can’t wait for that recovery;  if it wasn’t for my perfectionist surgeon he would have kicked my out and given up on my by now.

Dr. Lettieri is Italian and loves Canolis–so this is what I brought him today. The plate says “Be Happy Always”

As I waited for Dr. Lettieri, I realized they brought me into a surgical procedure room. This is the bright light he uses to see EVERYTHING–it’s pretty bright.

One time on my way to MIHS to visit with Dr. Lettieri, I watched 2 teens having full on sex under this tree. I honked; many times yelling at them to stop. I seriously would have given anything to have a hose and spray them down likes dogs in heat. I told Dr.Lettieri since it was happening just outside his window but off campus; his answer “Nothing surprises me here, I’ve seen it all” I shouldn’t have been surprised either; it did shock me. Today as I was leaving the Clinic I watched a van open and police officers escort a prisoner in an orange jump suit and shackled by his feet, secured with handcuffs on his arms.

I didn’t judge him, he was typical looking nothing to scare or offend me, in fact it made me want to show compassion for him, especially not knowing is story or the journey he has been on.

Yes I am definitely in a surgical room–what are they going to do to me today?

Bored……? Yes, soon Dr. Lettieri entered the room, stuck his large hands into my mouth to feel for the blood clot, and I’m pretty sure created another bruise. However, we are getting close to perfection he was very happy with the surgery outcome; still he has some follow up-but we need the swelling and bruising to go down, he thinks he can work on it at the same time Dr. Howard performs my nasal reconstruction; not crossing my fingers on that one. Dr. Lettieri hugged me and said “I will see you soon, we have been through a lot together but remember I’d let Dr. Howard work on me, you need to listen to me she’s good” I now have an appointment with her in the end of June–but l’m not having another surgery until I decide.

Monya Bonbon

 

(more…)

Fix My Face

Fix My Face

This is my current situation….Dr. Lettieri is in Nairobi saving lives (I love that) but I am here, stuck in a recovery bed drinking dinner from a straw.  Might be a good time to explore using my Vitamix, I wonder if a steak could be liquified? — a friend suggested it as a joke but hey I’m up for trying anything. Mix in some spinach you never know I might have a new trend starting right here in my Arizona house.

Seriously though, I never knew bruises healed so slowly–the swelling has gone down a lot. I have a hematoma in my cheek, and on the top of my head it feels like a rotten tomato, you can see a little red on my right temple-hopefully not an infection starting; it reminds me of when my facial paralysis started and didn’t end for 18 months from infection we couldn’t get under control.  Yesterday I spoke with Mayo Clinic to confirm my appointment with Dr. Lettieri on Wednesday. I’m told to not move a lot, so rest in bed.

In August it would have been 2 years since my last surgery, I was so excited to announce that to Dr. Lettieri–little pooper told me he needed to ‘fix my face’….”Excuse me?” Actually it wasn’t about ‘fixing’ my face, it was more about eliminating some scar tissue that looked similar to what a mass looks like when seen on an X-Ray;  and then while he had my face peeled off decided he would go ahead and try to ‘fix my face’  Everyone knows I love Dr. Lettieri he is looking after me the best way he knows how to-as a perfectionist Trauma surgeon, if he see’s just one way of helping he won’t quit until he has exhausted every possibility.  So for now I sit and patiently wait until Wednesday.

Monya Bonbon

Summer 2018

Summer 2018

Today was the first day I’ve been out of my bed and able to go downstairs, outside to enjoy watching my grandchildren enjoy the pool. Ezra did all he could to keep Zola out of his cookies. I love this little boy, Ezra quietly came up to me and said “Bonbon can you get me a snack” I asked why he was being so quiet he looked up at me with is darling BIG puppy dog eyes and said “Mommy will say no” as much I wanted to laugh I had to tell him “Ezra if your mom says you can have a snack I will take you in to see what we have in Bonbon’s pantry” Kayla quickly reminded Ezra “We don’t keep secrets” Which I love, I think communication gets lost when children pit their parents against grandparents…..I have complete respect for the choices my kids make with their kids, but every once in a while it’s fun to be the sneaky grandmother–Good news this time Kayla told him he could go to my pantry and have a snack. He chose the largest bag of marshmallows he could find, then shared them with his brothers and maybe …..Zola.  This sounds a little Grey’s Anatomy right now–Eliis  and  Zola are names on that show.
Theo loves Zola, but she was getting a little in his space when it comes to food, this kid can eat–marshmallows were not for dogs, but Zola did get a few nibbles.
Ellis–just sits and watches his cousins, smiling, curious and I’m sure wondering when it would be his turn to jump in the water and take off like a fish. He is the sweetest little boy in the world. He is now 7 months old–my favorite is now while he is aware of his surroundings, belly laughs and such innocence. I’m pretty sure he will be a strong example and leader.

 

 

 

Yes I have a beautiful baby grand piano in our home, I thought this was a cute capture of the boys before they left for the day. Maybe one of them will serenade us with beautiful music to our ears. Ezra said “Bonbon, I want to play violin” I told him “Wonderful, you will be so good at that I can’t wait to hear it” This was a good day for me, seeing these babies brings me such joy. The past few days I have had a massive headache and the top of my head feels like a rotten tomato…squishy, I can hear the blood juicing around up there when I try to put on my reading glasses. I’m not sure if I was nauseated from the feeling of my head having a soft spot and blood squishy around or if there is really something wrong. Dr, Lettieri will be back from Nairobi saving lives to see me.  I’m looking forward to getting out of this bed and getting on with my life right now. I’m falling back on my responsibilities in my new Home Based business and don’t want to disappoint, but for now I have to take care of myself, or I will be of no use to anyone. Did I mention I love this company? These supplements I believe will safe me and are the miracle we have been looking for. Monya Bonbon had a pleasant day, bruising, swollen face and surrounded by the ones she loves the most in life.

 

 

 

 

 

My Tribe

My Tribe

Ellis is our youngest grandchild almost 7 months old. Haleigh brought me soup and Ellis–he took one look at me and started to cry-remember he is only 7 months old I think he is teething, usually he is joyous and happy with everyone. I couldn’t hold him but seeing his face was enough.
These brothers are Kaitlyn and Brian’s boys, Phoenix and Archer. I didn’t really want them to see me all bandaged up, or worse with the bandage off.  One day I was in the hospital and our little Phoenix who is 3 years old decided to Face Time me I only answered because I thought it was my daughter calling. This was our dialogue ” Phoenix: “Hey Bonbon where are you? Me: “Where is your mom and dad? Phoenix: “Sleeping…Bonbon what is that blood?” (it was my drain) Me: “Uhh, yeah it’s a little blood, Bonbon has a boo boo” Phoenix: “Oh did you get a owie?”  Me: “Yeah just a little one, but the doctor is taking care of it so I can play with you again do you want to play?” Phoenix: “Oh Bonbon thank you, yes we can play…..today can I come to your house?” Me: “I’m not home, I’m staying at the hospital” Phoenix: “Is Papa with you.? Did you get a shot?” Me: “I did get a shot, but I am good now and yes Papa is here. What are you doing today?” We talked for over 30 minutes before it was time to hang up, I dreaded hitting END on my phone.  Yesterday he came to see me, not startled by the bruises or stitches that make their way like a train track from one side of my face to the other. He sat next to me on the bed, told me about leaving on an airplane today, going to see all his cousins and for his grandads birthday.  His animation and excitement are really contagious, he reminds me of Kaitlyn when she was a little girl curious, silly faces and totally in awe of his dad (his hero) as it should be. Archer was not phased at all with how my face looked. When it was time to leave I asked Phoenix to send me a Face Time while he is in Utah if he thinks about it his response “umm…We will have to see” from the mouth of babes
Our only grand daughter Weslie comes from my only son Blake and his darling wife Chloe. Blake brought me an acai bowl, it was a nice break from eating everything from a straw. Weslie is not feeling well so really stayed close to daddy. She did give me a huge roll of the eyes for a good laugh and waved “bye-bye bonbon, I love you” and off they went.
This is Ezra, he is Kayla and Jeremy’s middle son. I was Face Timed with Ezra and Theo.  Ezra was playing with Phoenix at his house and really just wanted to know if I would buy him ‘buzz lightyear’ and ‘woody’ apparently Kayla said everytime he leaves playwing at Phoenix’s house he asks her for them….and her standard answer is “No not today, you need to earn it” then he says “Well Bon bon will get them for me” So basically he was calling to know if I’d get him Woody and Buzz next time I’m in Toys are Us.
Recker is our oldest grandson also from Kayla and Jeremy. The only one I haven’t had immediate contact with is Recker….I have a feeling he would be picking out all the stitches on my face one by one, like he did when I had the nerve removed from my calf to my face.  I couldn’t feel it, but he was protecting me ….. he hates stitches and has picked them off of himself so in his mind if he doesn’t like them then of course Bonbon won’t either.
Theodore is Kayla and Jeremy’s youngest son. Theo did a Face Time with Bonbon and didn’t seem weary or worried about my facial appearance. He just kept saying “I wuv you Bonbon” and smiling the entire time.

It’s been one week today since my surgery with Dr. Lettieri. He has text me several times–people may think that is weird getting text messages from your surgeon, and maybe it is a little. I don’t believe he has the time or capacity to do this with every patient he see’s but I’m blessed he checks in on me on a regular basis. Not only to tell me he needs to do more work on my face (really?) but he is also checking in on my spirits–I adore him. I even tell him “I love you” he’s been with me through half of the surgeries I’ve endured always hopeful always happy to see me. I’m not sure what it is like to have a genius mind working overtime 24/7 but boy am I glad he does–although I think he needs some rest, relaxation and a break. Funny thing is I don’t think that is physically possible for someone who does what he does.

Now that I am home, resting has been really hard for me. I got bored with television and could not concentrate …. or the shows were absolutely lame. I miss my grandchildren, they each bring a different type of joy to my soul.

Seriously? I’m a 55 year old grandmother with 7 beautiful grandchildren each bringing a different level of joy, laughter and respect from me….I don’t want them to grow up, I would like time to stand still, well maybe not this week–it needs to go fast but the faster I heal the sooner I get to play. I promised to teach them how to make my famous sugar cookies. I need to be healed and out of this bed looking normal–well really what is normal? Normal is boring too? I’ve learned so much about having facial paralysis through the eyes of my grandchildren–they never knew me looking any other way so they don’t stare, they don’t judge they just love their Bonbon. People can learn from children, I have unconditional love.

XOXO Monya Bonbon

Surgery 41

Surgery 41

Eric and I drove early Thursday morning to Maricopa Hospital.  My anxiety level was pretty high until Dr. Lettieri showed up. He’s always so reassuring, comforting and confident.  Dr. Lettieri is a genius in his field, he travels around the world teaching new cutting edge techniques and helping the medical world to learn more about properly treating trauma patients. I simply adore him, he is the only person who can come close to understanding what I am feeling. He’s seen a lot of horrific things in his career. Many times I have cried in his office, trying to process all that has happened to me.  From the perspective of a trauma surgeon who deals with  life changing medical situations, I appreciate his straight forward approach with me; I need to hear the truth. The truth is medicine and procedures are constantly changing…when Dr. Barr’s told me my face would never be the same again he was right–it won’t; but being told I would never smile again was far from truth–I defied medical doctors and taught myself to connect my heart with my head awkward as it is I did teach myself to smile.

My husband Eric, who I like to refer to as ‘Frenchie’ has been by my side through each and every surgery-He see’s the tears, he’s heard the sickness, he’s held me in his arms knowing that there are no human words that can possibly explain what I’m feeling. On days when I said I couldn’t face another day he’s never questioned me, his words soothe me when my soul is aching for relief and I’m able to make it through one more night.  We’ve carried a heavy load on our shoulders these past few years, but we also realize we’ve done all we can do–I live with no regrets and know that when my Heavenly Father is ready for me to be released from this earth and live with Him once again it will be a beautiful reunion.

 

 

 

 

Eric kissed my forehead looked me in the eyes and said “I love you, see you in Paris.” Oh how many times this scene has been played out. I gave a half-smile and said “Yes, I’ll be in Porte Jaune meet me there” It took a few needle pokes before my anesthesiologist came in and decided for now on I would need an ultra sound lead catheter, and within a seconds they had the vein they needed. The last thing I remember is saying “Dr. Lettieri I love you” I’m pretty sure it embarrassed him, but I am very grateful being blessed with him as my surgeon is not something I take lightly. He is a world renown trauma surgeon his brain in constant motion, he is teachable which in my opinion is  a very difficult attribute for some surgeons to have.  I love when he tells me he was in another country scrubbing in on a new cutting edge surgery and had me in mind.  Which is how this surgery came to be.
I’m very excited to say the anesthesiologist did an excellent job at keeping me asleep. During this surgery Dr. Lettieri literally cut through my scalp from one side to the other and pulled my face off. Scar tissue was removed, then he took muscle from my head and re-connected it to a nerve in my cheek. In technical terms he did a muscle flap.  While all this slicing and dicing was happening I was eating a crepe with Nutella, Bananas and fresh shaved coconut. Other than that I really can’t remember anything else. I don’t even remember being in recovery. The surgery was long, while Eric waited he said he heard a code for all trauma surgeons to report to the ER to assist a motorcyclist. Soon Dr. Lettieri visited Eric and told him he was leaving me with very well-trained doctors who would finish up the stitching.

 

 

It’s always so strange when I wake from a surgery, where did the time go? Dr. Lettieri told me he would need to shave a portion of my hair off, I immediately put my hand to my head to feel the damage, the right side of my head was numb to the touch and all I could feel was bandages. I asked “Did he shave my head?” His residents assured me he used scissors and cut my hair instead of shaving it. This made me happy because we had discussed if it would be better to shave the entire head or have a partially shaved head-I now have about half an inch of hair cut off all the way across the front part of my head and a drain just under the skin from my right temple up through the hair-line of the top of my head. It’s estimated the drain will stay in place for 2 weeks then will be removed in Dr. Lettieri’s office.  Normally when I am on such heavy dosages of sedation it takes hours or days for me to go pee, but that night I asked Frenchie to help me to the bathroom. I was pleased that I was able to go, but when I stood up I fainted in Eric’s arms. When I came to consciousness  I was being held up by a two male nurses trying to get me back in bed. It was decided a commode would be brought in next to my bed-no walking to the restroom.  It was simply too soon for me to be up and walking and my blood pressure was too low 97/43.
I was not expecting to spend the night, but the internal specialists said my Creatine was at 0.6 and GFR was 22, also I was very low on potassium. I recently started a new regime with supplements that have actually worked miracles on me, so I was very disappointed but then I remembered I was asked to stop taking any supplements 5 days prior to surgery. They told me to continue with my regular medications but because I have the MTHFR gene it proved to me even more that the nutrition I should have been getting from my medicine was not being absorbed as it should be. We spent the next day trying to get those levels up-I drank something that tasted much like chalk but was not allowed to take my supplements, this was frustrating because I knew if I was able to take Prime (a delivery supplement) I’d be able to go home.  This picture was taken the day after surgery, does it hurt…….? It feels like I was hit by a MAC truck.  I told Dr. Lettieri “You sure know how to show a girl a good time” his answer “Oh bruising is normal, we did a lot of work on you” I’m not sure Dr. Lettieri really understands my humor, he is all business. With that being said, don’t judge me on this post, it’s taken me all day to write. I always like to write asap so I don’t forget anything but to be honest I’ve been in a lot of pain writing this, I despise pain medication but know when enough is enough and I need to take it.  I’ll end by saying this, my life has been spared so many times, sometimes we forget in the heat of an argument or when we disagree with other’s that in the blink of an eye everything can change.  I’ve learned to forgive and love with every bit of my heart, I try not to take people for granted even when I feel I have been wronged or hurt, because in my experience tomorrow may not come. XOXO Monya Bonbon