Tag: Depression

Memory Of Cleveland Clinic

Memory Of Cleveland Clinic

Every 3rd of July I am reminded of fighting for my life in The Cleveland Clinic. Four years ago today I was in surgery, literally hoping for a miracle. Little did I know the miracle was sitting right here in Arizona, with Doctor Lettieri.

On July 3rd 2014 I was rolled into surgery, Eric gave me a kiss on the forehead as they wheeled me into the operating room. Tears rolled down my cheeks onto the pillow, nurses kindly asked what they could do to help; shaking my head, watching them walk away I knew there was nothing anyone could do. Not even with the best surgeons on the face of the earth, no one could be able to bring my smile back.

The worst was still ahead of me, waking up in the recovery room after an eleven hour surgery I felt my head. It was full of staples, like a train track from one side to the other and down the back of my skull. My ear was pounding and swollen. I just wanted to see Eric and go home; after seven weeks in Cleveland I was depressed, sad and disoriented.

The next day, the fourth of July 2014 is a day I will never forget. No attending’s were in the ICU, the residents were in charge for the Holiday. Pain beyond my belief was surging through my body; a senior resident forgot to put orders in for pain medicine; I thought I would die on that day. I was prepared with letters to my children and dear husband. When the resident did not answer page after page to come to the ICU-I went further and further into a deep dark place, actually wanting my life to end because the pain was so bad. Nurses rubbed my legs and listened to me sing “Be Still My Soul” and “I am a Child of God” over and over again. It was an hour and fifteen minutes the senior resident finally make it to my room, followed behind him were other junior residents. He questioned my pain like I was faking; wondered why I was crying, and asked me too many questions; which I believe now was a senior resident showing off for the junior residents. I was gasping for air I couldn’t speak without trembling, he finally gave me the pain medicine. Even after the pain medicine was in my system my body shook like a baby, composing myself was difficult.

This is one of the junior residents Brendan Alleyne-he came to visit me after that incident and held my hand. The compassion he showed was nothing I will ever forget, I wish I could tell him what his acts of kindness did for my faith in the future of medicine. I’m thinking about him today, Dr. Lettieri is constantly telling me about the ego’s of residents, just like the senior resident I encountered at Cleveland Clinic. They forget who they are serving, I often wonder if he would have treated me different if I had been his mother, wife or child. Thank you Dr. Alleyne wherever you are today, I believe you are caring and sharing for your own patients now and hopefully learned something from this experience that will help you always remember patients are real people, with real families and a story to tell.

XOXO Monya

The truth stings

The truth stings

Hip and back pain, back in Dr. Freeman’s pain clinic today at Mayo.  I love my doctor, he is a good man, they all are.  Walking into the hospital gave me uncomfortable feelings of remembrance, being in pain for me has become an issue  I won’t address unless it get to at least on an 8 on a scale from 0-10.  The medicines for pain I despise.  When I walked into the hospital today I immediately looked to my left, this is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her, and I was jealous, I wished it had been me.  I’m not afraid to die, but enjoy life right now too.

Mayo Clinic “the place”

The nurse came in with  Dr. Freeman  asks my name, birth date and asks “what are we doing for you today?” ha, umm for me or to me? without hesitation I reply “hurting me to take away my pain” how weird is that statement?  They both, not knowing how to respond say “where are we going to hurt you today” laughter “in my hip and lower back” He gives me trigger spot shots, and when he does he jiggles the needle around to make sure he gets the entire area around where the initial pain is.  Every time he does that I want to come off the table, he always says “almost done, I’m sorry it hurts”  I have not seem him since my surgery in at Mayo Clinic in the Spring, we were able to have a good private conversation about how I’m really doing.  That one is so hard to talk about, I’m not sure how I am doing, in comparison to what?

Recovery, drinking my daily routine

I have been staying really busy, working at US Airways, I have the best management and supervisor I could ask for, they really care.  Also, working on being Happy, trying to deal privately with, if my face has to stay the way it is right now, am I going to be OK with that? I don’t expect anyone to understand how I feel, but at times I am lonely in THAT world. I have researched partial facial paralysis, gone to the library, online and trying to reach out to anyone who has suffered or is dealing now with this–NOTHING–I guess I understand a little more about what Dr. Barr’s was talking about when he said this is rare for a nerve to just die, with no apparent reason.  This is not like having a stroke or Bell’s Palsy where the nerve is damaged,  and WILL eventually snap back, this is a dead nerve, which means it will not live again, or regenerate.

This is what a dead nerve looks like–and it’s mine.

Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a live nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it will grow together with the nerves on either side.  IF this works,  we will not see any results for a year, and I will maybe get 30% of facial movement back.  If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline pull my face back and take nerve from my left side of my head and connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year.   I’m not sure I want to go through that again.  Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me, not getting results or answers is frustrating, wanting to say “WHY” is realistic on some day’s.

Getting to hear for the 1st time in 48 years was fantastic, I heard things I’d never heard before, sounds most people I know take for granted.  That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I’ve ever had, without a doubt the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby.  What I wasn’t prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my new exciting news was quickly turned to sadness.  Actually hearing what people say about me, it hurt, none of them were saying it to hurt me in fact none of them know I could hear it,  and they all were saying it out of love for me–still the sting of truth hurts. Going to the store, watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact I’ve been able to get used to, but now hearing opinions I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted, the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper, or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead what I heard was “I feel so sorry for her” “She is so strong” “Have you ever read her blog?” “I don’ think her face is ever going to be the same”  “She used to have such a beautiful smile” tears ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from I’m not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from.  We have cubicles where we sit,  I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see, and took my BAJA off.  I haven’t worn it since that day to work.

So proud of Mayo Clinic, this Cancer Center has been in the
works for year’s, it’s getting done, they will have a proton
radiation beam, the only one in the Western part of the
nation.  Proton beams are used to radiate certain cancer’s and
can pinpoint to  99.9% .

I am the one who get’s to decide what my destiny is, what my life will be and who I decide to share my light with.  I love my co workers, I love my family and friends, but I need to be OK with ‘me’.
I will decide where I end up, I’m doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do I can’t wear the BAJA.  I pick and choose,  and I’m taking it slow, because sitting in this moment right now, I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before.  My heart has never beat so hard in my chest than it has in the times when I’ve been wearing the BAJA.  I feel blessed to know, the people around me are sincerely my friends, they are kind and loving, at least nothing bad was said–just the truth–the truth I was not prepared to hear.  Reality is, I need to work on me, on my confidence, get rid of the negative and concentrate on the positive.  There’s a fire in me that I can never deny, I know He lives and He loves me.  It is my faith and my hope over the years that has given me such peace, given me strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life.  However, I’ve tasted the truth and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing, maybe I needed a taste of reality.  It’s just going to take some time to process what it is He wants me to learn.

Off of my balcony in my bedroom, the moon
is beautiful tonight, this picture does
not do justice.  It is HUGE, YELLOW and
GOEGEOUS

I will wear the BAJA on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, to hear Stephen Phelps and the choir sing Come thou Font of every Blessing.  I have so much to be grateful and have been blessed with a good life—music touches my soul and helps me to heal.  It’s just a longer process this time.

Why are you happy?

Why are you happy?

I was recently asked “why are you happy, and how do you remain happy?” The truth is, I have to work on Happiness every day of my life.  I did not intend on being diagnosed with late stages of breast cancer, or the side effects that followed.  I thought at the time it was a joke,  I was still going to continue training for that Marathon I always wanted to run.  To me, I was happy, after all I had the life I always dreamed of, stay at home mom, room mother for all 4 of my children’s classrooms, loved driving the girls to dance and Blake to baseball.  My life was surrounded with good friends, and a wonderful family.

I have always been a runner, kick boxer, cycler, core trained and weight lifter, this was my life and I loved every second of it. The day I had to listen to a doctor explain to me what type of cancer I had I did not respond, Eric was crying it was such a blur, why was he crying? This is not real, we will get a second opinion and of course I will continue to train because this is not real. Even now when I look back at that day, it amazes me how I responded, no tears, no emotion at all.  Blake was at the airport flying up to Utah to see his girlfriend Lecith, and Kaitlyn was living in Utah going to school and loving life, she had found the man of her dreams and I could not be happier with her choice. Eric called Blake and asked him to come home, he wouldn’t, he told Eric to just tell him what was up. When Eric told him, he was angry thinking we knew for awhile and just didn’t tell him, I explained to him the doctor had just told me I had no idea….we did not hear from or see Blake for a week, he went to Utah and would not answer his phone.  We then called Kaitlyn to tell her, and she reacted just like I did, no emotion–however, Brian told me later that she was really upset, maybe she thought like I did, this was just a little thing that was going to go away.  Kayla, Jeremy and Haleigh met us at the house and I remember Eric standing at the kitchen sink, the kids and I were sitting at the table, I just said it “I have cancer” immediate silence entered the room.  Kayla started to cry, Eric was still crying, Jeremy was in a sullen mood, not sure how to react, but asked if I wanted a blessing. Haleigh, she was and is my baby girl, this announcement could not have come at a worse time for her, it was a week before her senior year of High School.

Since that day I have had to learn to smile with my eyes, and listen with my heart.  I had no idea what was about to explode in our lives as the Villain took over. The “things” that were so important to me, suddenly were insignificant.  The first 3 years I never went one minute of my life without thinking about the Villain, every appointment, bone scan, MRI, and test that was written out on my Mayo Clinic itinerary gave me anxiety.  I still get anxiety when I step off the elevator onto the 3rd floor of the Mayo Clinic, I can smell the chemo, the sickness is in the air.

Tonight, I just can’t sleep my mind is racing, I feel unprepared for this trial I am having now.  I need some calmness in my life.  I just want to fall asleep and be with Eric’s mom and Dad, dream of being in a safe place, with no pain, no hurt and in the arms of people who unconditionally love me.  I have to remind myself everyday of the many blessings I have.  I see my reflection in the mirror and want to cry. I don’t expect anyone to truly understand.  Now, I have to learn to accept the person I see in the mirror, and remember to smile with my eyes.  I loved Elder Holland’s talk about depression, I have read it over and over again. Depression is REAL, if you have ever experienced it, you know what I am talking about.  When Robin Williams took his life recently, so much discussion on how selfish he was.  I know I cannot completely understand his reasons, my heart was with him, how well he hid his depression and made us all laugh, while he was struggling with his own demons.

I don’t think a person can actually go through some of the things I have endured and be unchanged.  So I say to the people who feel discouraged and mis understood, have faith,  hold onto the knowledge you have of Hope for a better day. I loved when Elder Holland said “above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can ever comprehend” It’s amazing to me that the love He has for us never leaves, He will always love us, that love is unconditional.  I so wish I could say I am happy all the time, that simply would not be true, I struggle with it daily, but know it is a choice and it feels better than being depressed.You can wake up everyday and decide to make the most of the life you have been given. It does not  necessarily mean changing your world, but changing the way you look at it.

Defusing Fear

Defusing Fear

June 22, 2010

I wonder can we ever completely heal from deep wounded scars that have effected our lives? I thought I was over some of those fears and childhood traumas that I went through. I went to counseling, I prayed almost as hard as I have the past year to help me to forgive. At times it felt as though these events in my life were holding me back, like the events were huge metal screws fastening down a large metal plate crushing my desire to live. It took me years to finally turn it over to the Lord and let him take this pain from me. I finally got to a place of forgiveness and even began to pray for the perpetrators. When one of the perpetrators died I was at his bedside and it was healing for me. Even though I had forgiven him, I did not see him for over 15 years until the day he died, and he was not conscious so it made it easier for me. I didn’t want to go, so I prayed and the the answer came that I should go , a year and 1/2 later I was diagnosed with cancer. I say this last part because in reading the Anti Cancer there were a couple of chapters that were difficult for me to read without getting emotional. I have read them over and over again marked them highlighted them. The man who wrote this book is a clinical professor of psychiatry, he has counseled with thousands of cancer patients and seems to know his stuff, he hit so much of these feelings I have had over the years right on the nose. He said that trauma in cancer patients can feed the cancer, that so many times people think they are past it, over it but in reality it is still on their mind and still living with it to some degree. I could not believe this when I read it, this is my life he’s talking about. It almost made me want to look around and see if there were hidden cameras watching me, how could he know this about me? Although, I have forgiven there are not too many days that go by that I don’t recall painful events in my life, the trauma I felt as a young adult being home with my little brother when he died, my parents were out of town and he was only 15. I think about that all the time. Not having my mom in my life for over 17 years now has been unbearable at times, this has been trauma at it’s worst. I wonder all the time if I handled these events right, even having confirmation from the Lord and leaders in my life I still think about it and wonder if I could of done something different. During my 20’s I went through another horrible trauma that I won’t post details about but it changed my life. I’m deaf in one ear because of a traumatic event that took place in my life. I forgave my birth dad for abandoning me, but I spent most of my life in anger and fear because of it.

There was a study done by Barb Anderson a professor of psychology at Ohio State University. She observed 227 breast cancer patients for 11 years they all had either stage 2 or 3 BC.  They all had received conventional treatments. They were all told about nutrition (Anti Cancer recommendations) about exercise and they all learned how to avoid stress in their lives with simple yoga exercises. The results were remarkable, The group of women who practiced all they were taught and made lifestyle changes had a 56% lower mortality rate. Another study showed 9 out of 10 women who had BC (out of 4000 women interviewed) had some type of traumatic event happen in their lives. WOW …. that is huge to me. Mostly because when I look at the risk factors for BC I have none of them, I have always been physically fit, an athlete, I have eaten pretty good… well with the exception of liking refined sugar and white flour in my baked goods… ha ha but I have always been able to control my portions. I am not obese, I didn’t start my period before the age of 12 in fact I didn’t start until I was a junior in high school, these are all mentioned in the risk factors none of them apply to me. So I guess my question to myself is how do I completely purge myself of all the trauma I have experienced in my life so that I can live a stress free life? Is it possible to do? It’s time for me to stop thinking of this as if I am a simple observer, looking on as if it were another little girl it happened to, and look at it for what it is, or was…… FEAR has paralyzed me for too long.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/mayo-clinic-cancer-center

I didn’t choose the VILLAIN it chose me

I didn’t choose the VILLAIN it chose me

Mun 3, 2010

Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster

Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was just to check and make sure my skin was healing properly and to see about my side-effects. She said I am healing very well and that the side effects that I am experiencing are normal … mostly fatigue, insomnia and a lot of anxiety. I still have this lingering head ache it’s been 6 days now she said it was not related to the radiation, so I need to contact Dr. Northfelt. I am not a huge fan of the anxiety, I am so amazed at the amount of pain, stress and fear my body has gone through this past year. The human body is an amazing thing, well actually I think the human mind is amazing. Keeping a positive attitude can help you to heal, I am a firm believer of that. I have tried so hard through this journey of mine to remain calm and relaxed, but there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have broke down and lost it. The anxiety that I am feeling now is related to some upcoming surgery and treatments. The thoughts of recurrence continues to be on my mind, it’s really sad but during the past 10 months there has not been one minute of any day that I have not had some thought related to cancer.
This morning I was home alone and broke down crying as I looked at myself in the mirror, where am I? Why am I allowing this awful Villain to take over my life and define me right now? I’ve been really fighting it, but I think because of the recent public embarrassments I am feeling insecure about myself. Today Eric and I were at Subway eating lunch and I told him about what happened when Haleigh and I were bike riding, he became emotional with big tears in his eyes. It’s hard for me to see him cry, I don’t want anyone to cry for me, especially not Eric or my kids. I asked him why he was crying he said “I feel so bad for you, I don’t ever want someone to treat you badly, I just love you so much” and I love him so much it hurts to see him hurting.
I was trying to run my fingers through my hair this morning, trying to find a different look with what little hair I have. I am now sporting about 1/2 inch of hair and there is not much I can do with it yet. My breasts still hurt and they are not the prettiest things you have ever seen, but this is my new life I didn’t choose it, I wouldn’t of chosen it but for some reason it chose me and I have a responsibility to learn from it and make my life better than it was before. Somedays are harder than others, tonight I am grateful for the people in my life who love me no matter what. I LOVE YOU.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center:  https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/mayo-clinic-cancer-center

5th day of Radiation

5th day of Radiation

April 9, 2010

Today was my 5th day of radiation. Yesterday and today Eric was off so he went with me. The radiation technicians took him back and showed him all the machines and let him watch while they radiated me …. he said it was really interesting. While Eric was there he was talking to Chris (radiation tech) who was with me everyday this week, come to find out they have a mutual friend. I have to say that the technicians who work with me everyday are the nicest, most compassionate people I have met at Mayo Clinic. Finishing this 1st week of radiation has been therapeutic for me …. I think I have been really anxious.
My skin is a little red, but I was told by the technicians that the side effects will not really be seen until after the 2nd week. Right now I am feeling so much better, I have put some fears aside and I am ready to conquer this radiation mile-stone.
I am so looking forward to Haleigh getting home on Sunday. She has been gone for 10 days doing Humanitarian work in Guatemala. Eric and I have missed her so much … she really lights up our home when she is here. I told her a couple of weeks ago she is not allowed to go to school out of Arizona, I am sure of that decision now. I have heard some parents say they can’t wait until all the kids are out of the house, but I don’t feel that way at all …. I miss the hustle and bustle of life when they are here, and I miss the friends who come to visit when they lived here. If I had my way they would all live in Arizona.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center: https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/education-centers/cancer-education/arizona

I want my life back

I want my life back

April 7, 2010

This is going to be raw and really honest right now …….. not that I haven’t been honest all along, everything in my blog is for the purpose of journaling. I want to be able to look back and remember everything I have been through, also for my posterity to be able to learn from my experiences. I was told right after I found out about my cancer, that someday my son who is serving a mission in the Dominican Republic will want to read this journal and understand all that has happened while he was serving the Lord, maybe he will understand more about the blessings that have actually come to our family while he was gone. I also wanted to journal exactly what happens to breast cancer patients, I have looked back already and read some of my entries, especially when I needed to know about side effects or something a doctor has told me.
So hear goes…..
I have not slept more than a couple of hours since Sunday night. I have been throwing up and my stomach aches, I also lost 7 pounds, I’m not completely sure why. It is the worst feeling to stare at the ceiling fan all night just waiting for the sun to rise, 3 nights in a row. I’m not sure I can do that again, I might just go crazy in my head. Since I started radiation I have been really depressed and lonely, feeling like WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END. This morning I layed with Eric on the sofa watching Recker laugh, still there is something inside of me that is scared. I did not want Eric to go to work, I miss him when he is gone the house is so quiet and I feel sad. When Eric left for work this morning I was crying, I told him I WANT MY LIFE BACK, he hugged me and told me that I am almost done, keep fighting, and that he loves me.
When I went to radiation today they happened to also have on my itinerary a visit with the Oncology Social Worker, her name is Patrice Al-Shanti. I was told she was going to talk to me about the different programs that are offered to cancer patients at Mayo Clinic. In my mind I thought, “great …. I’ll sit and listen maybe something or someone else can help me today” When she entered the room she shook my hand and introduced herself. She explained to me that she is there to talk to anytime I need, she had my file and knew so much about me and my life, she even said to me “I love your blog” I was surprised that she had read my blog. I told her exactly how I have been feeling the past couple of days, we discussed how much I have grown through this journey, but she explained to me that what I am feeling right now is NORMAL, almost all cancer patients experience this depression and anxiety after they are finished with chemo, we want our lives back the end is on the horizon. When I started chemo I was ready for a fight l put all my fears in the back of my head and did what I had to do, now that its over and I am feeling better I want life to be normal again, but its not normal.
She told me I need to get things on my calendar, lunch with friends, go to a movie, start working out again ……. WHAT? wait slow down a bit, I can workout again? That put a smile on my face …. she said maybe go for a walk, get on the treadmill start slow, I am still going to deal with the neuropathy and I know I will not be at the pace I was a year ago but still this is good news to me …. I know I’m weird I love to workout, most people hate it, but for all my life it has been something I enjoy. I was given a CD called Healthful Sleep, it is guided imagery with music to help you sleep, OK never done this before but it is worth it to get a good nights sleep, I’ll try anything.
So there you have it…. I am Normal, I have fears, I don’t always have to be the strong one, it’s OK to feel what I am feeling, it’s OK to cry uncontrollably and it’s definitely OK to want my life back.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center: https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/education-centers/cancer-education/arizona

Pain

Pain

February 12, 2010

The last 2 nights have been the most uncomfortable and painful nights of my life. My legs, back, arms and feet are throbbing, I feel like I can’t get any relief. I have taken all the drugs prescribed to me and still nothing seems to help. My bones and muscles are in so much pain, it’s difficult to describe. Have you ever over exercised your muscles and the next day they ache? I have too, but this is much worse. Eric held me in the fetal position and listened to me cry while telling him I don’t want to do this anymore, I wish it was over, I said it so much he did not know how to respond, he rubbed my legs until I fell asleep. Thank goodness for him and Haleigh, they both rubbed and held me not knowing what to say. I love you

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/mayo-clinic-cancer-center

Trust

Trust

January 24, 2010

Trust –verb-to believe in the honesty, integrity, justice, etc. of; have confidence in; to rely or depend on; to put something confidently in the charge of
Tomorrow is round 7 of chemo, and I am feeling like always very anxious, I always feel anxious the night before chemo. Today at church Teri Larsen was asking me about my chemo treatments and how they affect me. After I told her, she said “I wouldn’t go”
I’ve been thinking about what she said all day today, because there have been a few times on the morning of chemo that I have sat in my closet and cried like a baby, I have said to Eric “I don’t want to go today” and like always he gives me the “pep” talk then Tamy shows up and off I go, reluctant and angry at the world, but knowing that this battle rages on it’s just a new day. It’s so hard to be strong, but I will if I know there is even a small rey of light.
Today I decided to read everything I could get my hands on about TRUST. I’m not sure why this word kept coming up in my mind, but I believe it’s because I am being taught. President Greer talked in our Sacrament meeting today about our Bishop being teachable, that he is a good student, very easy to teach because he is able to listen and act upon what he has been taught. I want to be that person too, I think I have a long way to go, but I know the Lord is trying to teach me so much right now. The scripture that keeps coming to mind is in Proverbs 2:5-6 and 8 “Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine OWN understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge HIM, and he shall direct thy paths. It shall be HEALTH to thy navel; and marrow to thy bones.
I wonder sometimes if we trust ourselves more than we trust in the Lord, I’ve said it before but I think sometimes we think we know more and we get in the way of our own progression. Eric and I prayed about the doctors we should see, we prayed about all options chemo vs. natural, we have poured our hearts out to the Lord for help in making these decisions, so now it is time for me to stop doubting and go forward in faith. My son has told me over and over again how much he prays for me, and that he has a strong conviction that I am going to be here when he gets home and that all will be OK with me. This week I received a heart felt 3 page letter from a boy in our ward, he was one of our Sons when Eric and I went on the trek, we fell in love with him and have great respect for him. Without divulging the entire letter to you, I will tell you he had a trial that made him turn to the Lord and as he listened to the spirit tell him what to do, even when he received his answer he did not want to do it, but decided that if the Lord gave him this answer he would do it. In the end he learned to TRUST and have FAITH in the Lord, give it to him, and he learned a great life lesson from it. I learned from him, that on the days, like tomorrow, I give it to the Lord and Trust in HIM.
Tonight I feel like I am going to give all that I am, tomorrow I will not despair, I am going to put my life in heavens hands, I want to be worthy to stand before the Lord and say I did all I was asked of, I want to be able to hear the master when he teaches me. I want to TRUST.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/mayo-clinic-cancer-center

Today is my Birthday

Today is my Birthday

January 14, 2010



After Monday’s chemo treatment, they told me that I may not feel the effects until Wednesday or Thursday and expect them to last through the weekend. Tuesday night I started getting the extreme back and leg aches, also my lower stomach is extremely painful, very sharp pains. Today I called Dr. Northfelt’s office to find out if this is normal and if there is anything I can take to get some relief. I am now back on the pain medicine. The pain medicine makes me so tired, so I either live with the pain (kinda not an option) or take the pain medicine and sleep all day and night.
Today is my Birthday and my wonderful friend Mysti Brown put together a girls night for me and my close friends, I felt so badly to have to cancel but I am not functional, and I have been in a fetal position for 2 days. I hope that we can do the “girls night” next week, I need something to look forward to.
The woman in my ward made this quilt for my birthday, I was asleep when Ruthanne VanWagoner and Lynette Peterson brought it over. I woke up feeling pain and just wanted to get some medicine and go back to sleep, Eric said to me “wait until I show you what the ladies in the ward made for your birthday” when I saw it, I seriously broke down crying. I am so overwhelmed, on each square women wrote a personal note to me, It took me so long to read them all because I was crying so hard, I had no idea so many woman felt the way they do about me. I can never explain in words the feelings I felt as I read each one of them, every single one of these woman have made such an impression on my life at one time or another. I am surviving somedays because I know I want to be like these woman, strong, worthy, incredible wives, mothers and friends. How can I ever thank them, Not only for the time and effort it took to make this quilt, but mostly because of the message behind it, I think everyone wants to feel loved and needed, today I felt it, I felt the love from each one of those messages and I know those words will give me strength as I read them in times when I am feeling down. Thank you, thank you.

 

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/mayo-clinic-cancer-center