The last few nights I have been waking up with horrible nightmares. I will be going into surgery on Thursday next week, and I am terrified of waking up during surgery. That last surgery seriously gave me PTSD even more than I already had it. I thought I was past the smells at Mayo Clinic, but every time I close my eyes to sleep I can smell chemo, and sickness everywhere. Last night I closed my eyes and woke up terrified–just as the nurse placed the anesthesia over my nose and mouth and said “Count back from 10” I heard Dr. Lettieri come into the O.R. turn on his Beatles music and say “Let’s get started” Then he took out the scaple and started slicing through the skin on my head. I was screaming “STOP, Please STOP I can feel that” but he continued as I felt the blood pour down my face. I heard him say “Shave more of her hair off, it’s in the way” Do they not understand, I am awake I can hear, I can feel, I don’t want them to shave my head….”STOP” it felt like I was screaming but no one was listening. I tried to move my fingers but they were tied to the bed, I tried so hard to open my eyes but realized there were weights on them. I heard one of the nurses say to another nurse”What are you doing this weekend?” “Wait, what? … I don’t care about the weekend, just please be quiet…listen to my thoughts, I’m trying to connect with you….. screw that SHUT UP”
Then it happened, Dr. Lettieri started to peel back the skin on my face, he was muttering about the nerves–the pain was so excruciating I couldn’t make out what he was saying….”Can you see the tear, look at my eyes, these are tears, I’m awake. Dr. Lettieri…please… I know you care about me and would never want me to feel this, but I do….I can feel my skin split apart, and every tug and pull on my skin–it hurts”
The pain and atmosphere were so nasty, I sat straight up in bed sweating profusely, Immediately I touched the right side of my head to see if I still had hair, went to the bathroom and sat on the bathroom floor not crying, but petrified to move. “Oh my gosh, what if that happens to me, what if they really can’t put me out?”
I’m sick to my stomach tonight just thinking about sleeping, I need something to calm me….I do the only thing I know to do and that is go to a private place and pray to Heavenly Father, then have faith in Him to get me through one more night.
XOXO Monya Bonbon