My body is not responding well to the skin graft. I met with Doctor Lettieri this week, we both agree I will be returning for surgery #35 on June 30th. Frenchie and I needed some time together, he has been working a lot of hours and I have been dedicating a lot of time to my home based business. One of the benefits of working for an airline is being able to make last minute plans. We looked at non-stop flights from Arizona to evaluate where we could get away for a few days, away from REAL life. My least favorite place in the world to go is where the spaghetti stuck–Las Vegas.
Free forty four minute flight, we are staying at the Aria. Funny thing about coming to Las Vegas, I need quiet–it’s NOT….I wanted serenity……It’s anything but that……Just walking through the casino all I hear is noise, the chattering in my head reminds me of every MRI I’ve ever had….only it never ends. We have spent the days by the pool, or staying in our bed until three watching movies, and talking about life.
Yesterday I noticed a man in a wheelchair with only stubs from his knees down. In that moment I wondered how this happened to him, was he in the war? Did he have a medical diagnosis? Quickly my mind wondered how it would feel to never be able to walk again, to feel the sand in my toes or the green grass rub the bottom of my feet. My legs are valuable, they have taken me to places I’ve always wanted to go, like my happy place in Paris. Now that I have experienced the joy of riding a bike peacefully through the tree lined paths of Porte Jaune picking wild berries, stopping for a rest next to a beautiful lake with graceful swans commanding the water beneath their wings I can’t imagine never being able to do those things again, they bring so much joy to me.
My legs have helped me run hundred’s of miles and cycle thousands. More than the run or ride itself I have learned to appreciate, and love my legs. While on run’s I have shed tears of pain, cleared my head of demons and crossed the finish line with a smile. I took my smile for granted, I believe we all take so much in our life for granted. Why do we wait until a medical diagnosis or tragedy to appreciate all that we have? This past year I have taken time to really get to know myself, I’ve been working on being ok with who I am and how I look. I’ve had to dig deep and find the potential in myself, the guidance from the spirit has helped me to overcome over whelming thoughts of desperation and loneliness.
With the diagnosis of partial facial paralysis comes a variety of issues I’ve never had to deal with before. Only one eyebrow lifts, only one eye freely blinks, my lip is completely paralyzed so eating is difficult. When I chew one eye blinks, food get’s caught inside the right side of my mouth, and my mouth bleeds as I chew off the inside of my gums. I usually don’t know it’s bleeding until I either taste the blood or the napkin reminds me as I wipe my mouth. Going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned is difficult for everyone, my mouth has to be manipulated with tools to keep the right side open and it hurts, flossing is even harder. My right eye does not blink naturally, I have a platinum piece in my eyelid to help but my eye dries out so easily and that too is painful.The truth is until each of us love ourselves, I mean truly be ok with the person we have become I don’t believe we have the capacity to truly love other’s unconditionally.
Whitney Houston sang a song that comes to mind the words are poignant and been extremely important to me this past year.
The Greatest Love of All
No matter what they take from me,
they can’t take away my dignity.
Because the greatest love all is happening to me,
I found the greatest love all inside of me.
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve,
learning to love yourself it is the greatest love of all.
Showing integrity when people are watching is easy, because we want to please those around us, those who watch every move we make. I would be lying if I said I am perfectly ok with what I see in the mirror everyday…but to say I am moving in that direction by learning to love myself is a great accomplishment for me. If I could have one moment in time when I completely forget myself, my physical looks, learn to see myself the way our God see’s me–I suspect I would learn in that very special moment something I already know……In His eyes I am His child, I am beautiful–It’s notabout the physical beauty–my heart is BIG–I love people–I haven’t always! Now that the villain and the facial paralysis have invaded my soul I’ve learned to look deeper than the naked eye can see when I am confronted with a person dealing with their own demons.
I’m learning to love myself for the things I CAN do and not worry right now about the things I am physically unable to do. So, I may not be able to smile or feel the right side of my face but I have my legs and feet to take me to places I’ve never been. I have my arms to wrap around my grandchildren and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Simply loving myself, taking time every morning or evening to write 2 things I appreciate about myself has helped me to fight off negative thoughts the world throws at me. When I stumble I made a decision to re-direct, don’t beat myself up being a kind and supportive friend to someone else is important for me, however I’ve now learned I need to be my own best friend.
Reminding myself of benefits such as better real life results, more perseverance, higher self-esteem, more inner happiness and stillness, more positive relationships with myself and other people makes it easier to stay kind to myself through life’s ups and downs.