So many people have made this remark to me since my book was published “You know it wasn’t your fault right?” The truth is, yes now I know that, but at the time I thought it was all my fault.
It wasn’t my fault I wasn’t protected from getting hurt at the hands of an adult.
It wasn’t my fault I wasn’t told how much I mattered, and what my individual worth was.
It wasn’t my fault I had no voice, or that I was powerless and didn’t know how to say “no.”
It wasn’t my fault I didn’t now where to draw boundaries, or how to protect my heart, mind and body from being crushed.
It wasn’t my fault the people who should have been protecting me, and guiding me were too involved in their own lives to keep me safe.
I grew up without knowing where to draw the line between abuse and love, actually I never felt love and because of this I allowed other’s to hurt me, when really all I ever wanted was to feel unconditional love.
None of that was my fault. Growing older and becoming a woman I learned how to let myself feel anger, disappointed, and trust by allowing those emotions to be real.
I think it’s important to let yourself be angry. You should be angry that you were never told how much you were worth. That you never protected yourself because nobody ever protected you. It’s important for you to know you did not allow people to violate you. Those lines should have been there but never were because you weren’t taught how to draw those lines in the sand.
Because I wasn’t taught how important I was, and how much it I mattered it took cancer for me to understand how much I love life, and how to find happiness. I do this by bringing joy and happiness to other’s, I serve everyday someone who needs love or simple remembrance that people do care.
I needed to first let the anger rise within me. Allow myself to cry tears of rage and grief for all I had lost. So much was taken from me – other people look life, light and fun from my life–those things I can never get back, but I can choose today to move forward and be happy.
My advise to those who have felt the feelings of abandonment is to use that anger to fight for yourself in the way you should have been fought for. Use it to reclaim all that has been taken, to reclaim your heart. Let the anger become a fire that rages in your soul and burns away the tarnish that others have left upon you. Let the flames consume you, let them purify you, let them cleanse you and refine you until all that is left is the beauty of who you really are.
Your worth is great. You were created by the same hands that created the galaxies and the stars and the oceans and the storms and the wind that rages across the four corners of the earth. You were breathed into existence, not by accident, but with purpose, with promise. The entire universe listens just to hear the beating of your heart and the whisper of your breath. You were meant to be here. You were supposed to be here.
You were wanted here, you have a purpose, find it and run with it.
You are worthy of the kind of love that nurtures your soul and heals your heart. A love that sees your value and worth and believes in you. A love that is strong and kind, loyal and true. A love that brushes the hair from your eyes and kisses your forehead and gives you its jacket when you are cold and holds your hand when you are scared and draws you into its arms and doesn’t let go until it stops hurting. You are worthy of someone whose feet are anchored; who loves you when you radiate with the light of the moon and stars, and loves you even harder when you are cast in the shadow of your own cold sorrow.
You are worthy of a love that will never, ever hurt you, the moment you come to know this truth, is the moment nobody can ever take that away from you again.
XOXO Monya Bonbon