I want my life back

April 7, 2010

This is going to be raw and really honest right now …….. not that I haven’t been honest all along, everything in my blog is for the purpose of journaling. I want to be able to look back and remember everything I have been through, also for my posterity to be able to learn from my experiences. I was told right after I found out about my cancer, that someday my son who is serving a mission in the Dominican Republic will want to read this journal and understand all that has happened while he was serving the Lord, maybe he will understand more about the blessings that have actually come to our family while he was gone. I also wanted to journal exactly what happens to breast cancer patients, I have looked back already and read some of my entries, especially when I needed to know about side effects or something a doctor has told me.
So hear goes…..
I have not slept more than a couple of hours since Sunday night. I have been throwing up and my stomach aches, I also lost 7 pounds, I’m not completely sure why. It is the worst feeling to stare at the ceiling fan all night just waiting for the sun to rise, 3 nights in a row. I’m not sure I can do that again, I might just go crazy in my head. Since I started radiation I have been really depressed and lonely, feeling like WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END. This morning I layed with Eric on the sofa watching Recker laugh, still there is something inside of me that is scared. I did not want Eric to go to work, I miss him when he is gone the house is so quiet and I feel sad. When Eric left for work this morning I was crying, I told him I WANT MY LIFE BACK, he hugged me and told me that I am almost done, keep fighting, and that he loves me.
When I went to radiation today they happened to also have on my itinerary a visit with the Oncology Social Worker, her name is Patrice Al-Shanti. I was told she was going to talk to me about the different programs that are offered to cancer patients at Mayo Clinic. In my mind I thought, “great …. I’ll sit and listen maybe something or someone else can help me today” When she entered the room she shook my hand and introduced herself. She explained to me that she is there to talk to anytime I need, she had my file and knew so much about me and my life, she even said to me “I love your blog” I was surprised that she had read my blog. I told her exactly how I have been feeling the past couple of days, we discussed how much I have grown through this journey, but she explained to me that what I am feeling right now is NORMAL, almost all cancer patients experience this depression and anxiety after they are finished with chemo, we want our lives back the end is on the horizon. When I started chemo I was ready for a fight l put all my fears in the back of my head and did what I had to do, now that its over and I am feeling better I want life to be normal again, but its not normal.
She told me I need to get things on my calendar, lunch with friends, go to a movie, start working out again ……. WHAT? wait slow down a bit, I can workout again? That put a smile on my face …. she said maybe go for a walk, get on the treadmill start slow, I am still going to deal with the neuropathy and I know I will not be at the pace I was a year ago but still this is good news to me …. I know I’m weird I love to workout, most people hate it, but for all my life it has been something I enjoy. I was given a CD called Healthful Sleep, it is guided imagery with music to help you sleep, OK never done this before but it is worth it to get a good nights sleep, I’ll try anything.
So there you have it…. I am Normal, I have fears, I don’t always have to be the strong one, it’s OK to feel what I am feeling, it’s OK to cry uncontrollably and it’s definitely OK to want my life back.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Center: https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/education-centers/cancer-education/arizona



2 thoughts on “I want my life back”

  • If you can figure out the sleeping thing let me know. I can't remember the last time I slept more than three hours in a row. We should get a bunch of girls together and have lunch. What sounds good? I know Jenn always tells me this is our "new normal." I'm not that crazy about it, but it is what it is. Just know that you have tons of us praying for you and know that the "sun will come up again tomorrow, that I know for sure!"

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