August 26, 2009
Today I went to see the Plastic Surgeon so that he could explain the options for reconstruction. I really liked Doctor Kreyemerman and left there feeling like there was some hope, and some good to look forward to, he was compassionate and knowledgeable.
Just when I thought all was good and well in Cancer Land, I got the phone call from my Dr. Pockji with not so good news, the biopsy came back positive for another malignancy….seriously? Damn You Cancer… I know I need to be learning something, what is it? Because I am losing it. I was grateful I was home alone, because I lost my composure and cried out of control, then I went into the bathroom and threw up several times, what a weird reaction, I am not a person who throws up, I think I have only thrown up a handful of times in all my life. It made me sick to my stomach, I just want it out of me, how can I go on like this?
We went to the church tonight for a little party they had for The Bishopric that was just released. My mind is completely consumed with the information we just received. I was standing and talking to Julie Greer and I thought I was gong to faint.
Tonight while I am alone and in my quiet place, everyone is in bed and I can ponder what is going on, I feel like I need to write it all down so that I wont forget. I knelt to pray and this is what I felt.
I’m aching and crying, I feel like my spirit is fading fast, almost like I’m being buried alive. I have a lot hopes and dreams, I have always had faith in things I cant see. I’m trying to be positive, I pray, I’m really trying to find my way through this test of my faith I know that every fear I face, every lonely hour and tear that falls Jesus has felt it, every bit of it, and when I’m in my own Gethsemane he knows that place, he’s been there. Just when I feel like I’m losing it and I’m reaching the edge, I can feel him reach out I take his hand and I finally let go, he is my anchor, he is the only way I can get through this, I Know He Lives.
I am learning to rely on him for my comfort, the comfort that cannot come from my husband (as wonderful as he is) the comfort that cannot come from good friends, and my children. The time has now come for me to turn it all over to the Lord and allow him to catch me in this downward fall I feel is coming. Peace comes over me tonight, something I have not felt before, I know he Lives and he Loves Me.