Damn You Cancer

August 26, 2009

Today I went to see the Plastic Surgeon so that he could explain the options for reconstruction. I really liked Doctor Kreyemerman and left there feeling like there was some hope, and some good to look forward to, he was compassionate and knowledgeable.
Just when I thought all was good and well in Cancer Land, I got the phone call from my Dr. Pockji  with not so good news, the biopsy came back positive for another malignancy….seriously? Damn You Cancer… I know I need to be learning something, what is it? Because I am losing it. I was grateful I was home alone, because I lost my composure and cried out of control, then I went into the bathroom and threw up several times, what a weird reaction, I am not a person who throws up, I think I have only thrown up a handful of times in all my life. It made me sick to my stomach, I just want it out of me, how can I go on like this?
We went to the church tonight for a little party they had for The Bishopric that was just released. My mind is completely consumed with the information we just received. I was standing and talking to Julie Greer and I thought I was gong to faint.
Tonight while I am alone and in my quiet place, everyone is in bed and I can ponder what is going on, I feel like I need to write it all down so that I wont forget. I knelt to pray and this is what I felt.
I’m aching and crying, I feel like my spirit is fading fast, almost like I’m being buried alive. I have a lot hopes and dreams, I have always had faith in things I cant see. I’m trying to be positive, I pray, I’m really trying to find my way through this test of my faith I know that every fear I face, every lonely hour and tear that falls Jesus has felt it, every bit of it, and when I’m in my own Gethsemane he knows that place, he’s been there. Just when I feel like I’m losing it and I’m reaching the edge, I can feel him reach out I take his hand and I finally let go, he is my anchor, he is the only way I can get through this, I Know He Lives.
I am learning to rely on him for my comfort, the comfort that cannot come from my husband (as wonderful as he is) the comfort that cannot come from good friends, and my children. The time has now come for me to turn it all over to the Lord and allow him to catch me in this downward fall I feel is coming. Peace comes over me tonight, something I have not felt before, I know he Lives and he Loves Me.


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12 thoughts on “Damn You Cancer”

  • Yes, he lives! As I sit here bawling at what my best friend is going through, I find comfort in knowing that HE is there for you and I know the faith you have Monya and that you are relying on it 100% right now. Of course we don't know or understand our trials but I do know that we will always only be given what we can endure. When this "C" is behind you, you will be a better person because of it. Not to mention, the lives and hearts you will/are touching through your journey.
    I love you with all of my heart and am so lucky to be a part of your life. XO, Jenny

  • I been thinking of you a lot. I know this has been a busy week for you. I wish I knew exactly what to say ….but I don't. Do know that you are in my prayers and I love you a ton and I think that you have an amazing testimony. Love ya

  • Monya, my heart aches along with you. I am so glad that you have your faith in an amazing and living God. Turning everything over to HIM and learning to give up control is the only way to have any peace thru this hard journey you are traveling. My thoughts are with you and my prayers are flowing. Love you!

  • My dear friend and sister, you make me swell with joy and pride to be a part of you and your life. You will survive this because of your faith. I LOVE YOU!

  • Dearest darlingest Monya, I found it interesting that at the beginning of this post you asked "what am I supposed to learn from this? then you answered your own question with such a heartfelt and beautiful tribute to faith and trusting in the Lord. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us in. Love and prayers, Cheri

  • The tears you shed are so important…..just because you get down dosen't ever mean you're out….you are pausing to take a moment to mourn…this is not a choice you've made, it is a trial that has come to you…but you are strong, beautiful and full of faith and love….You are a woman of fortitude and endurance as you have shown physically….but you have those same qualities in your spirit and mind….so the fight is on…you are training to take it on right now…and you will attack it as it comes your way…just think of your kick boxing, and hard workouts…this is just an exercise and you are going to prevail…..this is your marathon for now…and you are going to cross the tape as a winner!
    LOVE YOU…mm

  • I love you mom…you are such an example to me and i hope that one day ill be able to be half the mom you are and be able to teach my children the things you have taught me! They are going to have the best grandma, one who will bake cookies with them and love them unconditionally. Seeing as i never had that, i envy them that YOU get to be their grandma. They dont know how lucky they are. You are one of the most amazing women i know and im so proud to be able to claim you as my mama!! I loved spending time with you yesterday and going to the doctors appointment with you, i have no idea what you are going through but just know that we love you and are there with you every step of the way. Thank you for everything that you do and how strong you are and the amazing example you are to everyone around you!

  • You don't know me Monya. I'm Amy Gooch's sister. I read your blog through hers. I'm sitting here crying… and I don't even know you. You are a strong woman, Monya. It's in your eyes. You will get through this. You are in my prayers.

  • Dear Monya
    I love you so much. You are everything Heavenly Father wants in a daughter. It is so amazing to me how quickly we feel his love, as soon as we reach to Him then he reaches us. We pray for you to continue to find the peace that only can come from Him. You will inspire so many that are watching you. You are a miracle in so many ways. You are what heros are made of.

    Aunt Pam

  • Monya, I am so sad to hear what you are going through. You are in my prayers. I have a really neat friend that I believe is a healer and really helped me when Kamber died. Call me if you want to contact her. Or yell,scream or cuss. I will listen. Candi

  • My dear friend,I am sitting here thinking about you and reading your thoughts through your blog. The words you have spoken tonight have really touched my heart.You know Monya, I saw my best friend and sister Jami go through so many years of the nasty"C" word and all that came with it.With living in Utah so far from her, I really didn't get to be involved with the whole process of it.I never felt like I really knew what was going on with her and my brothers family. The true emotion, you know. So to be able to read your words has really touched me. I have had so many feelings of loss and guilt since she has been gone.I lost the faith, that I once had. My best friend had been given this awful disease and I asked WHY??? I haven't really felt that close to a few of my brothers & sister in laws or my Heavenly Father, since she was taken from earth so soon. I always felt left out of her last few days. Due to a few people controling everything in her life. It sounds so petty, as I see it written right now. But it is how I feel. My heart is full with emotion as read the beautiful words from your heart. You have been able to touch this hardened heart in a way no one else has been able to.I love you Monya I am so thankful that we were able to reconnect after so many years.You will never really know what this blog has done for me. I have felt feelings that I have not really felt in many years. For that I Thank You! I love you with all my heart Monya. You are a beautiful lady with a beautiful spirit. Thanks again for touching my spirit through the words of your journey.Your Testimony has really touched my soul. I am glad to have you in my life again hugs and kisses Rhonda

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