Becareful what you wish for…

September 28, 2009

Those of you who know me well, know that I can be quite a jokester. Growing up I never had any boobs, and I don’t remember really wishing that I had them either, I think I was good with what I was given. Then after I had children..vavoom out came the sisters in full bloom, and I did not like it at all. I have often been asked if I had implants, or “what Dr. did your boob job” I am always taken back when I hear someone say that because just for the record I DO NOT HAVE IMPLANTS…and I myself have said many times I wish I could get my boobs cut off. Of course my husband was always in opposition of that idea, and we knew it was a joke, but now as I am being faced with what used to be a joke…becoming a reality, I’m scared. In just a few hours most of my femininity will be taken from me, forever, never to return, the other part of it will be taken from me in another surgery a few months from now. My bishop and husband gave me a beautiful blessing tonight and I appreciated every word of it. But the bottom line is that my breasts are being removed tomorrow, not by my choice, but the VILLAIN has decided it for me. I trustΒ  Doctor Kreymerman will be skillful that she knows what she is doing, that is not the problem the problem is me, how do I fix this feeling I have inside of me that a part of my womanhood is being taken from me? How will my husband look at me after? Can I even let him look at me? How long will it take for me to look at me? I try not be a vain woman, but I admit I want to look pretty to my husband. It’s hard for me to go to bed tonight, I know when I wake up its time to go to the MAYO Hospital and face my VILLAIN. I’m not ready yet, I still have some housework to do and still have some wedding plans to get done. Last night I had a very bad panic attack at my sister’s house, the reality of all of this is becoming hard for me to handle. Tonight I read the 1st letter from my Son Blake, he is in the MTC preparing to serve in the Dominican Republic. He is studying so hard to learn the language, he only got 2 hours sleep one night because he wanted to study. He sent me the most beautiful letter and testimony in Spanish, as I read his words it calms me and makes feel better about what I am going to do tomorrow, he has so much faith and on these days when I am feeling like my well needs to be filled, the people in my ward fill it up with words of encouragement and gifts of Love, Blake’s faith will fill the gaps where I need it, and I know for a fact the Lord will pick my up and carry me when I cannot do it myself. I pray tonight that the Lord will strengthen me tomorrow as I face this sudden and awful journey I am starting, I have always told my kids that it’s not the start of the race that is important, it’s the finish that is most important.
And I plan on finishing this race in first place.

12 thoughts on “Becareful what you wish for…”

  • i love you Monya! I cannot sleep tonight as well. You are on my mind and in my heart tonight. You are amazing. I am so in awe of how strong you are. You ARE going to win the race! Thanks for allowing me to spend so much time with you these past weeks. It has been exactly what I needed and wanted. I will be here for you with anything you need. I know you know that and so many people love you…you are beautiful and will be without BOOBS….Tonight I know so many prayers are being said on your behalf. The Lord will bless you…Kris

  • Monya, I've always looked up to you and thought you were a beautiful person. Through this trial, you will become even more beautiful inside and out. You have my full support and love. Keep your chin up…love you!!

  • One thing I have learned this last year is that we don't get to choose our trials. They are custom made for us. We are praying for you and have faith the Lord will bless you through this adversity. Know that as a ward we love you and hope you will be made whole again. It's what's inside that counts. Love you, Teri

  • Bon Bon, I hope everything goes perfectly today and I know it will. You are in my prayers and I love you! You are so lucky to have so many good people around you that care so much about you! You are AWESOME! Love ya!

  • Have a great recovery Monya! You and your family will be in our hearts and prayers.. Thank you for being such a great example of womanhood.. it's not the tata's, it's your grace and dignity thru-out this process that will be remembered . xoxo Mike and cheri Toolson

  • I have thought about you all day… you are an inspiration to me and your testimony strengthens mine. You are a beautiful person inside and out. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I know you will win the race. Your amazing!

  • Monya, I read your latest blog with tears in my eyes. I've often had those same thoughts as cancer runs in our family and even though my breasts have always been large and I've always griped about them being in the way, the media has brainwashed us all into believing that it's our breasts that make us feminine, that makes us women. I know if I were in your shoes, I would be thinking and feeling the same things you are – and nothing anyone can say will erase those fears and the anxiety that you will feel the first time you see yourself, the first time you see your husband seeing you…but you will come to terms with it in time. You will see that you are every bit as beautiful and feminine as you have ever been. Your husband will love you and find you sexy in a way that is more pure than anything he's ever known. And you are surrounded by friends and family who already think you are so beautiful, kind, giving, and so special to them that there is nothing more important than for you to be healthy and in their lives for many, many years to come. You're in my thoughts today as you embark on a new journey of self discovery.

  • I wanted to share with you what my 12 year old son said to me not so long ago . . .

    "I don't understand what the big deal is about boobs…aren't they just a bunch of skin with milk for babies? Now a chimichanga . . . THAT'S something to stare at!"

  • Monya, your in my thoughts!! I as well kept up to date through Erics FB and Kaylas FB and you are loved! Erik always wrote such sweet and tender facebook updates for everyone to see, very sweet πŸ™‚ I love you both and I hope you are recovering very well!

    I heard "Live like u were dying" on the radio the other day from Tim Mcgraw and I instantly thought of you. Take each day and LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING, do all the fun things and make each day the best day of your life πŸ™‚ You are an awesome women and you will get FIRST place, without a doubt!
    πŸ™‚ Love ya!

  • I firmly believe that NOTHING can take your femininity, it's INSIDE you. And you are BOTH a feminine AND beautiful woman inside and out.

    If it makes you feel better I can share shoes with my husband… SOOOOOO NOT feminine!! πŸ™‚

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